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Band 3.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #effort #education #lessons #school #curriculum
In today’s world, a diversity of foods that can’t control sugar
cause
Replace the word
causes
show examples
 obesity in children, adults and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older people. I believe exercise in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
 and
food
 control
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can prevent children from diseases and reduce the cost of
health
Add an article
the health
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 of the government.
To begin
, Usually, at
school
 have lessons on exercise
such
 as
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
swimming, basketball, football etc., and youngsters always work out twice a week.
However
, not enough
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 lose
weights
Fix the agreement mistake
weight
show examples
. So, the college should encourage activity by organizing a competition in the
school
 for students to participate in
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
, which motivates them to practice and more exercise.
Additionally
,
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 should
have hired
Wrong verb form
hire
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 a special teacher to teach essential exercises after they finish
school
 as yoke, aerobics, or dance that help them burn calories more and reduce stress from heavy academic learning.
However
, physical activity
not
Add a missing verb
is not
show examples
 able to reduce weight if lack of
food
 control,
overconsumption
Correct word choice
and overconsumption
show examples
 has an impact on health as well, some types of
food
 have ingredient much sugar which is able
harm
Add the particle
to harm
show examples
 health,
for example
, fast
food
, snacks, coca
cola
Correct your spelling
Coca-Cola
show examples
, cake etc., that if younger have overeaten cause add bodyweight within a short time. So,
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 have taught the lesson for reading the nutrition
fact
Fix the agreement mistake
facts
show examples
 labels on products to help students understand and
eating
Wrong verb form
eat
show examples
 suit with each day. In conclusion,
however
, education may lead
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 diet by preventing
Correct pronoun usage
it to
show examples
to
Change preposition
from
show examples
 being a problem in the future, but not
as
Change preposition
at
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 all, I believe a part of diet by dietary restrictions
such
 as sugar-free.
Submitted by chompoo34888 on

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structure
Ensure your essay has a clear structure, including an introduction that states your position, body paragraphs that support your argument, and a conclusion that summarizes your viewpoint. This will enhance coherence.
development
Develop each paragraph around a single main idea, using relevant examples and explanations to support your argument. This will strengthen the logical flow and cohesion of your essay.
relevance
Focus on directly answering the question posed in the prompt. Make sure each part of your response contributes to addressing the topic, including explaining how introducing more physical education in schools addresses the issue of obesity.
grammar
Work on grammar and punctuation to improve clarity and professionalism of your writing.
vocabulary
Use a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely and to avoid repetition.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity rates
  • health care system
  • physical education
  • instill
  • long term
  • raise awareness
  • healthier lifestyle choices
  • nutritional education
  • active transport
  • quality of instruction
  • facilities and equipment
  • diet control initiatives
  • community sports programs
What to do next:
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