IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Directors of large organizations earn much higher salaries than ordinary employees do. Some people think it is necessary, but others are of the opinion that it is unfair. Discuss both views and give your own opinions.

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In the modern era, one of the most controversial issues today relates to salaries. Some
people
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 believe that large organizations should receive more
money
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 than ordinary employees,
while
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 others argue that it is unfair. I personally believe that receiving more
money
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 from large organizations is unfair. In
this
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 essay, I will examine from both points of view and explain my opinion. On one side of the argument, some
people
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 believe that to enter large
companies
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, they should prepare a significant number of qualifications, spending a lot of
money
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.
For example
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, large
companies
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 request a high educational background, experience
such
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 as volunteering and activities of
companies
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 and interviews to enter
companies
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. Individuals have to prepare requests to achieve the goal through much
money
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,
as well as
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 survive
such
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 competition.
For
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this
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 reason, they think receiving a lot of
money
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 is necessary.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 believe that achievement is more important than the size of a corporation. To be more specific, if
people
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 who enter large organizations receive much
money
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although
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 they do not have value achievement, they will not struggle to work even if they do not climb the corporate ladder.
Thus
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,
companies
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 will have low profits since they are not likely to be not only productive but
also
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 effective at their workplace.
Moreover
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, ordinary workers’ achievements will be underestimated because of social eyes. In conclusion, I strongly believe that receiving much higher
money
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 from large
companies
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 is unfair since salaries should be reassessed through efforts.
Thus
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, salaries should be encouraged by their achievement and efforts.

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coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are clearly structured, but they could be more compelling. To improve this, use more engaging language and clear statements that hook the reader and provide a stronger summarization of your stance in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The essay generally follows a logical structure. However, transitions between ideas can be smoother. Use more linking phrases such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', 'however', to better connect paragraphs and sentences.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported, but there's room for providing more specific examples and evidence. Expand on your examples by explaining why they are relevant and how they support your argument. Consider incorporating statistics, studies, or real-world instances to strengthen your position.
task achievement
You've made an effort to address the task, and your response reflects an understanding of it. To further improve, make sure to discuss both viewpoints thoroughly before leading to your conclusion. Presenting a more balanced view can enrich your argument.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensively presented, but they could benefit from more depth. Delve into the implications or consequences of your points to provide a more thorough analysis of the issue.
task achievement
While you've given examples, incorporating more detailed and specifically relevant examples related to the prompt will make your argument stronger. Look for case studies or anecdotes that directly tie back to your key points.
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