IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that adults always do exercise and sports because of the major sports events that shown on T.V like the Olympic Games and Football World Cup. While others say that there are many other ways to encourage them to practice exercises other than T.V shows. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is often
Verb problem
Often
show examples
 considered that a few individuals reckon that senior citizens always do workout and
sports
Add a missing verb
do sports
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 because of the major
games
Use synonyms
event
Fix the agreement mistake
events
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 that
shows
Wrong verb form
are shown
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 on television
such
Linking Words
 as
Correct article usage
the olympic
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olympic
Change the capitalization
Olympic
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Games
Use synonyms
 and
Football
Correct article usage
the Football
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 World Cup.
Whereas
Linking Words
, other
population
Change the wording
populations
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 think that there are manyfold techniques to motivate them to practice exercises. In my, an inclined the aged masses have
an
Correct article usage
apply
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ample
of
Change preposition
apply
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ways to do outdoor
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
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 and sports.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 essay will elaborate on both notions which
further
Linking Words
 leads to a logical conclusion.
Commencing
Verb problem
apply
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, the contemporary world consists of old people who
feels
Change the verb form
feel
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 ecstatic when they follow the lifestyles of their favourite
personality
Fix the agreement mistake
personalities
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although
Linking Words
 they used to copy them in every sense which is helpful for
elder
Replace the word
elderly
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one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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 to do yogas.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
T.V
Correct your spelling
TV
 serials
includes
Change the verb form
include
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 all age group members
along with
Linking Words
 adult
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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, which provokes them to do exercises and play
games
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, "The Times of India" a newspaper illustrate the story of Amitabh Bachan which revolves around his health routine. Probing ahead, the population in the modern era can make regular family welfares for health benefit
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
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 and
additionally
Linking Words
, some game concerts should
also
Linking Words
 be organized by the societies for the grand family member, so they will get eager to take part in it.
For instance
Linking Words
, in China, the government are too serious
for
Change preposition
about
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a
Correct article usage
the
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 health of
a
Correct article usage
the
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 folk, so they conduct yoga classes on
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
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 basis
with
Change preposition
apply
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free of cost for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adults
as well as
Linking Words
 youths. In a nutshell, it is essential that major shows and sports
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 television
imparts
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a great impact on netizens which
influence
Correct subject-verb agreement
influences
show examples
 them to play
games
Use synonyms
 and do morning walks. The screens may be detrimental for the older
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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 so
instead
Linking Words
to
Change preposition
of
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 watching these shows, it is better to join
welfares
Fix the agreement mistake
welfare
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 and influence in the folk
games
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Your essay presents ideas of both views and your opinion, however, the examples provided are vague or generalized such as the mention of 'The Times of India' story without specific details. Try to include more detailed, relevant examples to support your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
You have managed to create paragraphs for different sections, introduction, views, and conclusion which aids in the comprehension of your essay. However, the transitions between ideas within paragraphs can be made smoother. Consider using more linking phrases and topic sentences to ensure each paragraph flows logically from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your introduction and conclusion are clear and directly address the essay prompt. Your conclusion does summarize the essay's main points, but it could be strengthened by unequivocally stating your opinion and linking it more directly to the discussion throughout the essay.
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