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Band 5

In some cultures, chldren are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. what are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #chldren #children #message
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The world of
children
 is a fantasy, and sometimes those fictions become true. The world will consider that as an achievement, and the
children
 who achieve will be named achievers. One of the essential
factor
Change to a plural noun
factors
show examples
 behind
this
 accomplishment is encouragement.
However
, some kids think that it would be good to put their hard
work
 and smart
work
 into achieving something which is practically impossible in
this
 current world, rather it is
miscerable
Correct your spelling
miserable
. So encouraging juveniles to
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 they can achieve anything with enough effort can have both positive and negative consequences.
Encouraging
Correct article usage
An encouraging
show examples
 mindset will
inject
Verb problem
instil
show examples
 self-confidence in
children
, motivating them to face challenges and resist themselves in the face of obstacles. It will cultivate the ability to bounce back from failures and set them to believe that success is in their hands. Juveniles will gain interest in hard
work
 and learn how to persist in pursuing
goal
Fix the agreement mistake
goals
show examples
, without being influenced by difficulties. More than that, they will understand that dedication is the key to enhancing their ability. Self-empowerment will make an impact on
kids
Change noun form
kids'
kid's
show examples
 well-being and mental health.
However
, sometimes encouragement creates impractical expectations in
children
. Not every goal may be achievable.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 some
occassions
Correct your spelling
occasions
, it will lead
children
 to blame themselves for failure and make them think that they didn't succeed. If kids constantly aim for success , it will lead to stress and anxiety and they will attain a mindset to achieve
thei
Correct your spelling
their
the
goal
Fix the agreement mistake
goals
show examples
 at any cost. Individual effort will ignore the importance of collaboration, team support and other factors that contribute to success. In conclusion,
while
 encouraging
children
 to
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 in their ability to achieve through hard
work
 can be advantageous,
however
,
its
Correct your spelling
it's
show examples
also
 essential to balance
this
 message with realism, adapt to
challanges
Correct your spelling
challenges
 and acknowledgement of external factors that may influence outcomes.
Submitted by insighttribez on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Aim for clarity and precision in your essay. Avoid using complex sentences if they make your essay difficult to follow. Simple, clear sentences can effectively convey your ideas.
Task Achievement
Support your main points with specific examples. Your essay would benefit greatly from the inclusion of real-life examples or more detailed explanations to reinforce your arguments.
General
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Coherence and Cohesion
Incorporate a clear thesis statement in your introduction that outlines the advantages and disadvantages you will discuss. This helps guide the reader through your essay.
Task Achievement
Balance the coverage of advantages and disadvantages in your essay. Ensure that each side is explored thoroughly, providing a more comprehensive discussion of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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