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Band 5.5

Some people believe computer and mobile phone technology has changed the way we communicate positively while others feel it has had a negative impact on communication with others. discuss both views.

#people #computer #phone #technology #impact #communication
Some
people
 believe that computer and mobile phone
technology
 has changed the way we communicate positively
while
others
 feel it has hurt communication with
others
. In
this
 essay, I will be giving my opinion and discussing both views. Some argue that
technology
 has harmed communication with
others
. One reason is that the conversation online has no warmth,
people
 would not know the attitude they have on the internet.
People
 will feel distant
while
 chatting online because the message is cold and no feelings, so it is a big deal that
people
 chat on the internet
instead
 of face-to-face. The second reason is that communicating through the phone will cause
people
 to misunderstand.
People
 will misunderstand the message or receive the fake information
others
 send because they don't know what
others
 are actually saying.
Third,
people
 cannot continue the conversation if one does not reply.
However
, I believe that
technology
 has changed the way we communicate positively.
First,
communicating online is more convenient. Some
people
 cannot meet or hang out because of long distances, so communicating on mobile phones can decrease the distance between
people
.
Second,
communicating through
technology
 can receive messages faster.
For instance
, if
people
 want to say something important or emergency they can tell by the call
instead
 of meeting. In conclusion,
although
 some
people
 think that computer and mobile phone
technology
 has changed the way we communicate negatively, I still think communicating through
technology
 is positive.
Submitted by vickychen941008 on

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Task Achievement
Make sure to fully address the prompt by discussing both views equally and providing a clear opinion. Your essay tends to lean more towards one viewpoint, which may not fully satisfy the task requirement.
Task Achievement
Integrate more specific examples to support your arguments. Both for and against perspectives can be strengthened by adding more detailed illustrations from real life or credible sources.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on creating more logical transitions between paragraphs and within them to improve the flow of your essay. Use a variety of transitional phrases to better link your ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Experiment with more complex sentence structures to enhance the depth and clarity of your argument. Avoid overly simple sentences which can limit the expressiveness of your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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