IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that the responsibility is with the government to control the rise in obesity in children, others think the parents are the cause. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #responsibility #government #control #rise #obesity #children #parents
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It is a widely held view that the rate of
obesity
 has soared to an alarming rate during the
last
 decades, most worryingly, children are the main target of
this
 life-threatening issue.
While
 a group of people argue that it’s
government’s
Correct article usage
the government’s
show examples
 responsibility to find a solution to control the rise of
obesity
 in children, another group, including me, believes that
parents
 can have
more
Add an article
a more
show examples
 significant role. Some people claim that
kid’s
Change noun form
the
show examples
obesity
 issue is a problem which
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should solve
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. Their main justification is that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 can increase children’s awareness about
this
 disease by teaching them in schools. The more they understand
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the consequences of being
over-weight
Correct your spelling
overweight
show examples
, the less they eat junk
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
.
For example
, the authorities can provide some points about the
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
 of
obesity
 in their books.
This
 action can affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children’s
subconcsious
Correct your spelling
subconscious
 awareness. The next explanation is that government can decrease
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
center’s
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centre’s
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 tuition to be more appropriate for countless families.
There
Correct pronoun usage
It
show examples
 is no secret that having mobility is the main solution to losing weight,
however
,
is
Correct your spelling
in
show examples
 today’s climate,
due to
 the
hight
Correct your spelling
high
show examples
 rate of inflation,
parents
 are not able to provide
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
 families’ necessities let alone
sending
Wrong verb form
send
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 their kids to a gym. The other side of the
arguement
Correct your spelling
argument
 believes that
parents
 spend
long
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a long
show examples
 time with their toddlers
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 home, so they can monitor them tightly. First and foremost,
parents
 can create the opportunity
of eating
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to eat
show examples
 healthy foods in the family. Not only can
this
 help to
losing
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lose
show examples
 weight but
also
prevent
Correct subject-verb agreement
prevents
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 serious illnesses
such
 as cancer and diabetes. They can increase the variety of foods which are healthy and delicious.
Last
 but not least,
parents
 can encourage their children to do
out-door
Correct your spelling
outdoor
show examples
 activities
such
 as football and swimming.
In
Change preposition
At
show examples
 early ages, kids need to be active to release their energy, unless they become fat and slothful. What can be
conculded
Correct your spelling
concluded
 from the discussion revolving around children’s
obesity
 is it seems rational to subscribe to the view that
parent’s
Change noun form
parent
show examples
 monitoring can be more effective.
Submitted by ashkanmlk80 on

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Task Achievement
To improve Task Achievement, ensure your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. Your essay presents a clear position and discusses both views, but could benefit from more specific examples and data to support arguments. Incorporate real-life examples or studies to strengthen your position and highlight the impact of government or parental actions on children’s obesity.
Coherence and Cohesion
For better Coherence and Cohesion, make your essay logically organized by using a range of cohesive devices effectively. Consider varying your transition phrases for a smoother flow between ideas and paragraphs. Additionally, ensure paragraphs are well-structured, with clear topic sentences that introduce the main idea followed by supporting sentences and a concluding sentence to summarize the point.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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