IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some say that music, art and drama areas important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or disagree?

#say #music #art #drama #areas #school #subjects #level
Nowadays, art studying is more important than other
subjects
 at lower education levels. I strongly agree with the proposition that studying academic
subjects
 is more important than
arts
 areas when students are young. There is an important argument to support the idea that studying academic
subjects
 is more important than
arts
subjects
. Students who study curriculum
subjects
 will have more professional success or better employment.
For instance
, young students study chemistry in high school. Not only can they choose to become chemistry teachers, but
also
 they can take core
subjects
such
 as the research and development of new drug reagents in the future.
In addition
, if they can be successful in academic areas, the nation
also
 invests money for them. They will be nurtured into talents the country needs.
Consequently
, studying academic
subjects
 is more important than others.
While
 there are reasons to support the idea that studying
arts
subjects
 can improve people's emotional intelligence. I still believe that studying academic lessons is more useful. Studying academics can foster problem-solving skills.
For example
, when those who study academic
subjects
 have some problems, they can use critical thinking to think of issues
in addition
 to solving problems easier. They always use critical thinking and
then
 they
also
 can improve their problem-solving skills which are important life skills.
As a result
, studying academic curriculums can make our lives easier. In conclusion, even though studying
arts
 can bring us a number of benefits, studying academic courses can make us more well-rounded people.
Submitted by hsmkashi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Ensure that your essay directly addresses the question asked. Your introduction suggests disagreement with the importance of arts, but the body of the essay argues for the importance of academic subjects. This causes confusion regarding your stance.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence, make sure your paragraphs follow a logical sequence, clearly linking your arguments back to your main thesis. Using transition words effectively can also enhance the flow of your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Develop your main points with more detailed examples or explanations to strengthen your argument. Specifically, your discussion on the importance of studying academic subjects could be enriched with more diverse and detailed evidence.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay would benefit from a more detailed conclusion that sums up the arguments made and firmly restates your position on the topic. This helps to provide a clear resolution to your discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • foster
  • imaginative thinking
  • innovation
  • emotional balance
  • non-verbal
  • inclusive education
  • kinesthetic learners
  • fine motor skills
  • coordination
  • cultural diversity
  • tolerance
  • empathy
  • critical thinking
  • interpret
  • artistic expressions
What to do next:
Look at other essays: