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Band 4

The ling graph below shoes the percentage of tourists of Schtland who visited for different attractions in Edinburgh.

#shoes #percentage #tourists #schtland #attractions #edinburgh
The line chart depicts
proportions
Correct article usage
the proportions
show examples
 of consumers for different community facilities in Edinburgh
such
 as aquariums,
castles
, zoos, and
festival
Capitalize word
Festival
show examples
 Scotland for a span of 30 years between 1980 and 2010.
Overall
, what stands out from the chart is that visiting
castles
 and festivals
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 relatively popular throughout the most given period from tourists,
while
 zoos and aquariums were less attractive to the same group. Looking at the graph for the information of
castles
 and festivals, 30% of
visitor
Fix the agreement mistake
visitors
show examples
 in Edinburgh enjoyed
festival
Fix the agreement mistake
festivals
show examples
 in the area in 1980, which had remained relatively similar figures between 25% and 30% by 2010 as popular activities. There were 25% of visitors
to look
Change the verb form
looked
show examples
 at
castles
 in 1980, and the ratio
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
rapidly soared to 45% in 1995 with
following
Correct article usage
the following
show examples
decreases
Fix the agreement mistake
decrease
show examples
 to 30% by 2010. Moving to the rest part,
Add an article
the aquarium
show examples
aquarium
Fix the agreement mistake
aquariums
show examples
 had 20% of people who enjoyed their service in 1980 followed by a sharp surge to 35% in 1985,
Furthermore
, they experienced a rapid drop 20 20% in 1990 and had presented sneaked declines by 2010 to below 10%. Interestingly,
although
 zoos had several fluctuations throughout the given time
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
they usually stayed between 10 and 20% which is stable compared to the aquarium.
Submitted by yeseulyou92 on

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Task Achievement
For full marks in task achievement, ensure that all aspects of the task are covered. This includes a clear overview of the main trends, differences, or stages without getting bogged down in too many specifics unless they're necessary for a clear understanding of the graph.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve the coherence and cohesion of your essay, make use of a wider range of cohesive devices correctly to link ideas and paragraphs, and ensure clear topic sentences are used at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your analysis.
Task Achievement
Ensure all data is represented accurately, and any comparisons made are clear and directly relevant to the trends shown in the graph. Avoid introducing any ambiguous or vague statements when describing data points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Check your essay for minor grammatical errors and typos to ensure clarity and professionalism. For example, '30% of visitor' should be '30% of visitors', and 'sneaked declines' seems to be a typo for 'steep declines'.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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