There are those who consider work to be the paramount aspect of life, suggesting that without career success, life loses its meaning. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some
people
believe that a successful career is needed to have a meaningful life
. Though having work can help someone achieve their goals, I believe that having a loving family and friends,
and helping others is what gives Remove the comma
apply
people
a deeper sense of purpose. In this
essay, I will discuss why work in
not the most important thing in Correct your spelling
is
life
.
To begin
with, having a job gives financial security. It enables people
to provide his
basic needs Correct pronoun usage
their
such
as food, clothing, and his
dream house. Correct pronoun usage
their
However
, having a successful career does not guarantee a happy life
. For instance
, a famous photographer who was acknowledged worldwide for his work,
committed suicide after his trip Remove the comma
apply
in
Africa. Despite his success, Change preposition
to
his
got depressed over the famine and war that other Correct pronoun usage
he
people
experienced. Thus
, meaning in life
cannot be measured through a job.
Purposeful life
often
found in loving family and friends. Most of the time authentic connection to others is what Add a missing verb
is often
people
look for in life
. It's having
about having a good support system during Unnecessary verb
apply
life
's challenges and moments of joy. In addition
, helping people
who are in need is another factor gives
personal Correct pronoun usage
that gives
fulfillment
. Change the spelling
fulfilment
That is
why a lot of people
gives
Correct subject-verb agreement
give
charity
because it makes them feel better that they contribute to positively Change preposition
to charity
in
changing someone's Change preposition
apply
life
.
In conclusion, having a career with high
income Correct article usage
a high
fulfills
the common needs of humans. Indeed Change the spelling
fulfils
life
is
could be sad without money, Unnecessary verb
apply
however
, it does not bring true happiness in someone's life
. Kindness and connection with other people
does
.Change the verb form
do
Submitted by yoko.onerom on
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task achievement
Consider structuring your essay with a more balanced approach to the argument, especially if discussing two opposing viewpoints is necessary. While it's crucial to argue your stance, acknowledging the other side adds depth to your response.
coherence and cohesion
Work on diversifying your sentence structures and incorporating a wider range of linguistic devices, such as connectives and transitional phrases, to enhance the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Although you've provided examples, try ensuring that they are directly relevant to the point you're making. Strengthen your argument by tying your examples more closely to the main point of each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure your essay follows a clear and logical progression. Your paragraphs should smoothly transition from one idea to the next, with each paragraph opening clearly indicating what the paragraph will discuss.