IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Some people think that men and women have different qualities, therefore certain jobd are suitable for men and others for women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #men #women #qualities #jobd
A controversial discussion point is whether the classification in occupation should be based on the
workers
’ genders
This
 writer totally
disagree
Change the verb form
disagrees
show examples
 with
this
 statement as there are
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
plenty of jobs that need talent to operate effectively rather than sexes. It is vital to understand that the leader of a
company
 should employ
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 employee who
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
ability
Change the article
the ability
show examples
 to solve the problem quickly.
In other words
, personal ability is a crucial factor that
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 the
company
 improve their productivity.
For instance
,
workers
 in
success
Replace the word
successful
show examples
 companies
such
 as Apple and Microsoft were chosen by an individual skill test to ensure that they
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 clarify the trouble in a nick of time. Another key worth considering is that
header
Correct article usage
the header
show examples
 can offer some job opportunities
while
 they are employing
workers
 with gender equality in their mind. To elaborate, many residents are now unemployed since their dream job is only for the other sex.
Moreover
, leaders may employ more potential
workers
 by
put
Change the verb form
putting
show examples
 the gender
distinguish
Replace the word
distinction
show examples
 away and
focus
Wrong verb form
focusing
show examples
 on ability. An illustration of
this
 is that Honda, a famous car brand, had
open
Wrong verb form
opened
show examples
 a campaign for unemployed people by
open
Replace the word
opening
show examples
 a small
company
 and
employ
Wrong verb form
employing
show examples
 them.
To conclude
, employing
workers
ignore
Correct pronoun usage
who ignore
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gender might improve the
company
 and
society
Change noun form
society's
show examples
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
 and
also
 give
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
job
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 for unemployed citizens.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that each paragraph focused on a unique point closely relates to the essay question. While the essay attempts to address the prompt, further sophistication in argumentation and a wider range of examples would deepen the analysis.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, linking words are well used, but the essay can benefit from more varied and complex sentence structures to improve flow and readability. Additionally, carefully proofread to correct minor grammatical errors and enhance clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: