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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on the smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Lately, a plethora of topics are being seriously discussed among various individuals and groups, and one prominent one is that some children spend hours every day on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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smartphones. I think that
such
 a statement will form a negative development for the children themselves, mainly
because
Add the preposition
because of
show examples
 the lack of socializing and bad content
that is
 accessible.
Therefore
,
this
 essay will list the reasons for my preference.
To begin
 with, children who spend a large amount of hours on smartphones spend less time
on
Change preposition
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socializing. The bad impact that may occur because of
this
 statement is that it ruins the social ability of a child
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 is still developing. As they grow, they could develop several traits from using the technologies more than they should have used.
For instance
, they could grow into
and
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 individualistic person that could not interact with others smoothly, or they could find it hard to adapt
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 new societies that they will experience in life. The second point to emphasize is the inappropriate content that can be easily accessed by the innocents. A growing body of research suggests that parents should frequently check
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their kid's phones. Parents will never know what their kids have been watching or doing with their phones unless they check it by themselves.
For example
, their kids could watch things that are not suitable for their age.
Moreover
, the inappropriate things they
watched
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
 can affect how they think and could ruin how they view society. In conclusion, I firmly believe that the statement given can result in a negative development for the young generation.
Hence
, I
also
 believe that kids should use their phones under their own parent's guidance to avoid any negative impacts.
Submitted by arrafiv on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that your essay directly addresses all parts of the question more clearly. Further elaborate on why this development is negative or positive by adding distinct reasons and expanding on them with examples that link back to the question more directly.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, work on creating a smoother transition between paragraphs and within paragraphs as well. Using a variety of linking words can help to make these transitions more natural and improve the overall flow of your essay.
lexical resource
Your essay would benefit from a broader range of vocabulary specifically related to the topic, and more complex sentence structures to convey your points more effectively. This will not only improve your task achievement but can also positively impact your coherence and cohesion score.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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