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Band 5

Some people prefer to go to health clubs and gyms for health care, some say the walking and climbing stairs are more effective. Discuss both vies and give your opinion.

#people #health #clubs #gyms #care #say #stairs
A number of
people
 choose
joining
Change the verb form
to join
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 gym membership or health communities in order to
mantain
Correct your spelling
maintain
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 healthy life,
while
 the
remain of
Replace the word
remaining
show examples
 them think that walking and climbing
stair
Fix the agreement mistake
stairs
show examples
 are more beneficial. In my opinion, going the
gyms
 or
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 clubs will be useful if they do
this
consistantly
Correct your spelling
consistently
.
However
, doing some regular movements
such
 as walking and climbing will be more efficient.
One
Correct your spelling
On
show examples
 the one hand, there are multiple reasons why some prefer to do exercise at
gyms
 even
thought
Correct your spelling
though
show examples
this
 requires more money.
First,
gyms
 provide many
Correct quantifier usage
pieces of equipments
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equipments
Correct your spelling
equipment
 that will give the users particular goals.
For instance
, for members aiming to
burning
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burn
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
calories, they can utilize
treadmill
Correct article usage
a treadmill
show examples
.
Second,
urban
people
 having busy
schedule
Fix the agreement mistake
schedules
show examples
 are able to keep their health after work. Going to the
gyms
Fix the agreement mistake
gym
show examples
 is the best choice for them without worrying about working hours.
However
, they will feel its effectiveness if they do
this
 consistently since it seems to me that not every
members
Change to a singular noun
member
show examples
 can keep their motivation until reaching the goals or forming
this
 habit.
On the other hand
, others consider walking and climbing
their
Change preposition
as their
show examples
 daily exercise. As long as
people
 can continually become active even
though
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
just by walking or climbing stairs, they will acquire some beneficial things. Many
people
 feel that those are more effective
due to
 the things which
associate
Wrong verb form
are associated
show examples
 with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money. The important thing is doing more movement with
consistent
Replace the word
consistency
show examples
 regardless of the ways.
Furthermore
, those activities do not
demand
Verb problem
require
show examples
 anyone to have special skills and to learn how to use some particular tools like in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gyms
. Meanwhile, those
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
activities
Change preposition
of activities
show examples
 will not give
people
 instant results. In conclusion,
while
 going to the
gyms
 or joining
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 communities may bring
people
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
quick outcomes, doing some daily
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
such
 as walking or climbing the stairs will effectively give
people
 long
terms
Change the noun form
term
show examples
 effect of strength and health.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Task Achievement
Ensure a clear and concise introduction that outlines your discussion points. While your introduction attempts this, it could be more precise and engaging.
Task Achievement
Provide more detailed and varied examples to support your arguments. This will strengthen your main points and make your essay more convincing.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on structuring your paragraphs more logically, ensuring a clear flow of ideas from one paragraph to the next. This includes the use of transitional phrases to connect ideas seamlessly.
Coherence & Cohesion
Be consistent in your verb tenses and ensure correct subject-verb agreement throughout your essay. This will improve clarity and readability.
Task Achievement
Revisit the conclusion to ensure it is a succinct summary of your essay's main points. It should also clearly state your opinion, establishing a strong closure.
Coherence & Cohesion
Mind the spelling and use of articles ('a', 'an', 'the'). Minor errors can distract from the overall quality of your essay.
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