IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a woman's role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice.

#people #women #chances #work #careers #woman #role #care #house #children #support #choice
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Several
people
 consider that
women
 should possess equal
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 similar to men to
work
 or excel in their careers.
While
 other communities think a girl's role ought to be limited
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 taking care of the house and
children
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument
as well as
 my perspective in the subsequent paragraph, and I support
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Change the word
my
show examples
first
 opinion. On the
first
Correct word choice
other
show examples
 hand, a majority of
people
 think that every woman possesses a right to choose and determine her career. Presently,
women
 and men do not own differentiation, and they possess a chance to decide their
choise
Correct your spelling
choice
. Many
women
 choose to
work
 because it is able to assist the needs of their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 because if they
work
, they are able to obtain
salary
Correct article usage
a salary
show examples
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
that
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can decrease a troublesome economy in
her
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 environment.
On the other hand
, citizens believe that
women
 are the
first
 teacher
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
children
. In the future, a girl will become
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a mother in her new family because she is going to have a child, and a minority of
people
 believe that in the family,
mother
Add an article
the mother
a mother
show examples
 is
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
 who will teach her
children
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
first
 time
such
 as how to speak, eat and take a bath. A mother is
convienced
Correct your spelling
convinced
 by her family to educate her
children
.
For example
, in the past, a majority of
women
 controlled
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
her
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 in
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
her
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
, and the result was many
Change preposition
of her
show examples
her
Change preposition
of her
show examples
children
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
becoming
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
succesful
Correct your spelling
successful
people
.
Hence
, several
people
consider
Verb problem
believe
show examples
women
 should stay in
her
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
 to keep
her
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
.
To sum up
, both arguments carry
strenght
Correct your spelling
strength
 and significance, and neither can be refuted
outhright
Correct your spelling
outright
.
Nonetheless
, I personally subscribe to the fact that
women
 have a chance to
work
 because it can
degenerate
Verb problem
reduce
show examples
 the value of
discriminations
Fix the agreement mistake
discrimination
show examples
, and
women
 are able to acquire income to fulfil
her
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 needs.
Submitted by fifi on

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Task Response
Ensure you fully address all parts of the task. Present a clear position throughout the response. Your essay slightly deviates from the core topic by discussing the importance of a mother in a child's life, rather than focusing on women's career opportunities.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve your essay's structure by clearly distinguishing your paragraphs and making sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Use linking words and phrases to ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Support your main points with specific examples or evidence. While you touch on the importance of women working, including specific examples of women excelling in their careers or how women's working contributes to society would strengthen your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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