IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that all secondary and higher secondary school students should be taught how to manage money as it is an important life skill.

#people #school #students #money #life #skill
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It is an undeniable fact that the whole world is being run by the key concept of
money
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management
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.
Money
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 is the fundamental source of necessity and happiness in today's world. Irrespective of an individual's age, financial
management
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 is regarded as a cognitive skill that
could
Wrong verb form
can
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 be learned through life experiences, so
sooner
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the sooner
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 the better.
However
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 , a view has been surfacing every now and
then
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 that
money
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management
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 should be taught in a school atmosphere during adolescence . From my perspective, there are several problems stemming from teaching financial
management
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. Teen years, especially adolescence, are considered a vulnerable period for learning skill sets like
decision making
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decision-making
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 and
problem solving
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problem-solving
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. Adolescence is a period where people have a lot of inner conflicts regarding their self-identity. Social circles and peers influence the
behavior
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behaviour
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 of the individual incredibly during the secondary and higher secondary school years.
For example
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, teenagers try to fit into the category of cool kids by consuming drugs, cigars and alcohol.
This
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 kind of addiction could lead to the mismanagement of funds. It is quite obvious that
,
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apply
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 character building and
behavior
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behaviour
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modeling
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modelling
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 should be ingrained at home and school. The need for
money
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 or
penuria
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penury
pyuria
 should come from within oneself .A
young
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Young
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 adult could be taught to manage and save their pocket
money
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 wisely from a very early age. Schools could encourage
the
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apply
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money
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management
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 by giving rewards to pupils for their outstanding performances.
For instance
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, a teenager who earns a scholarship or financial reward will manage and save the
fund
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funds
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 carefully.
This
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 will encourage other poor performers to do well and strive for the scholarship too.
This
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 will make them realise the value of
money
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, and they will have a tendency to take care of their
hard earned
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hard-earned
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 income. In conclusion, financial goals are an important skill that will change the outlook of an individual by creating an inner desire to be a responsible and independent individual.
This
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 seems to be a good development for a teenager, which will
last
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 for a long period of time.
Submitted by crpnivedya.prasannan on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, focus on addressing the prompt more directly by exploring both sides of the argument and offering a more balanced view. Also, include more detailed examples that are directly relevant to the topic of teaching money management in schools.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance coherence and cohesion by organizing your essay more effectively. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that ideas flow logically from one to the next. Connect your ideas with a range of cohesive devices and topic sentences that clearly link back to the main question.
supported main points
For a higher score, focus on developing your main points with more depth and detail. Use specific examples and explanations to support your arguments, ensuring they are fully explored and relevant to the topic.
introduction and conclusion present
Incorporate a more structured introduction and conclusion that succinctly summarizes your stance and the main points of your argument, making sure they are in alignment with the prompt.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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