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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the number of men and women in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full time or part time Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The chart below shows the number of men and women in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full time or part time Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
#men #women #education #britain #three #periods #time #part #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar chart compares
education
Use synonyms
 pursued by men and women in Britain
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 three academic years including
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 regarding
full
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 courses.
Overall
Linking Words
 as presented in the diagram, the number of men in
further
Linking Words
 studies
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 some fluctuations
whereas
Linking Words
 there is a gradual increase in women’s
education
Use synonyms
. Now turning into the detail, almost a million male
students
Use synonyms
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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enrolled in higher
education
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 in the period of 1970-71 which
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
dropped to merely 8.5
lakhs
Use synonyms
students
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 in 1980-81 and again purged by approximately 50 thousand
students
Use synonyms
 in 1990-91 as
full
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 course.
According to
Linking Words
Use synonyms
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
, there is
slight
Add an article
a slight
show examples
 increase in all
the
Correct article usage
apply
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three periods. It is interesting to see
rise
Add an article
a rise
show examples
 in women’s
further
Linking Words
education
Use synonyms
 where there is no decline in both
Use synonyms
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 and
full
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 studies compared to men. Here the number of
students
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have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
clined
Correct your spelling
cleaned
 from roughly 7
lakhs
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 and 1 lakh in 1970-71 to 11
lakhs
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 and 2.5
lakhs
Use synonyms
 in the period of 1990-91 in full
time
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 and
Use synonyms
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 respectively.
Submitted by insighttribez on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words education, time, part, students, lakhs with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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