IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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In today's world , businesses are more concerned about the sales percentage than the customer's health. To increase profit, businesses use sugar as bait since consumers like the sweetness despite the fact that it can lead to many health issues.
Therefore
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 increasing the price of sugary foods has become a topic nowadays to avoid consumption.
Although
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 I agree with
this
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 statement to a certain point, from my perspective, that alone will not be a definitive solution. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss
further
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 my perspective on
this
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 matter. First of all, a sudden increase in value may lead to social chaos since many people will not be able to afford it.
Hence
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, the availability of the same product with different amounts of sugar levels with a hierarchy of prices will be better than just raising the value. At present, I have seen many beverages colour-coded
according to
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 the glucose amount included.
For example
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, Redbull has three colour codes
according to
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 low, medium and high glucose content.
This
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 is a positive trend for a start. There should be an introduction of a new pricing system a low charge for low carbohydrate content and a high charge for high carbohydrate content. That way since the community has a choice , the turmoil from raising the cost will be reduced.
Furthermore
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, social awareness about a healthy diet should be an important topic that needs discussion. In third-world countries like Sri Lanka, non-communicable diseases have become the major factor in increasing death rates. It is mainly
due to
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 unhealthy dietary patterns.
Thus
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, education programs should be organized to advise the public regarding the adverse effects of consuming junk foods to gain the maximum for the people.
To conclude
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, increasing the price can have an effect on the consumption of sugary foods, the fundamental fact is that social awareness about healthy diets
along with
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 a guided increase of value.
Submitted by g.chamodi94 on

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly outlines your stance on the topic and your conclusion summarizes the key points effectively while reiterating your position. Consider including a thesis statement for added clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Improve coherence by ensuring smooth and logical transitions between paragraphs. Using cohesive devices like conjunctions can help link ideas more clearly.
task achievement
To better support your main points, incorporate a wider range of specific examples and data where appropriate. This will strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to varying your sentence structures to enhance the readability of your essay. Using a mix of complex and simple sentences can make your writing more engaging for the reader.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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