Each year Increasing numbers of students are deciding to move to a different country for higher education. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development ?

#year #numbers #students #move #country #education #development

Lately

Add a comma

Lately,

show examples

there have been foreign cultures that often enter

Indonesia

. Some people think that foreign cultures that enter

Indonesia

have a negative influence on

society

. In my opinion, foreign

culture

that enters

Indonesia

also

has a positive impact on

society

, First of all exposure to foreign

culture

Fix the agreement mistake

cultures

show examples

can increase the level

our

Change preposition

of our

show examples

critical thinking We should be able to be more critical and

also

careful about some new things that come from outside

as well as

find ways to filter whether these things can have a positive or negative impact on our lives and ourselves.

Secondly

, studying foreign cultures can certainly add to our knowledge and experience. Starting from language, and traditional clothing, to the habits of people from other regions.

Lastly

, modern thinking can start with having an opinion. In

Indonesia

, expressing one’s opinion is still often considered

unfavorable

Change the spelling

unfavourable

show examples

Therefore

, introducing

Remove the article

apply

show examples

freedom of expression in

Indonesia

can make people more inclined to express their opinions.

Therefore

foreign

culture

that enters

Indonesia

will not always hurt

society

, with a foreign

culture

that enters

Indonesia

it can make us think more critically, improve cultural and international knowledge and

finally

the mindset of

society

becomes more advanced to support modernism.

Submitted by syaaakhansa on Wed Feb 21 2024

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Coherence and Cohesion

Ensure that the introduction more clearly outlines the essay's stance and main points, helping to guide the reader.

Coherence and Cohesion

Develop paragraphs with a clear topic sentence, followed by explanations, examples, and a concluding sentence to enhance logical structure and flow.

Coherence and Cohesion

Incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the essay's cohesion and make transitions between ideas smoother.

Task Achievement

Address the essay prompt more directly in the introduction and conclusion, making sure your position is clear from the beginning.

Task Achievement

Expand on examples and evidence to support your main points. This strengthens the argument and shows a deeper understanding of the topic.

Task Achievement

Make sure to directly address the question asked, ensuring that your essay remains focused on the topic of foreign cultures entering Indonesia and its impact.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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6Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Grammar mistakes
 

7 paragraphs

199 words

<4

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 5.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 5.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

globalization
personal development
exposure
global perspective
higher quality education
specialized programs
research facilities
enriching
career prospects
international experience
cross-cultural competencies
competitive job market
culture shock
isolation
mental health
academic performance
brain drain
educated workforce

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Each year Increasing numbers of students are deciding to move to a different country for higher education. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development ?

Fully explain your ideas

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Some people believe that studying online is more effective than studying on campus while others disagree. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of online learning. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

Some exploration is too expensive and money should be spent on more important things. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Shopping should be perceived as a form of self-indulgence rather than about buying things that are necessary. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that it's easier for adults to learn skills (Ex: Computer skills) by themselves. Others think they need the help of a teacher in a classroom. Discuss both views and give your opinion as well.