IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

People prefer to choose life without working when given a choice between life without work and working throughout their life.

#people #life #choice #work
A faction of
people
 hold the notion that
employment
in
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 not necessary if there is a stable income. I totally agree with
this
 opinion as ample reasons to substantiate it.
This
 essay will explain my view with relevant illustrations. First and foremost, one of the obvious stimulation for
employment
 is
renumeration
Correct your spelling
remuneration
show examples
.
In other words
, the
people
 have sufficient money to live they
are not require
Change the verb form
are not required
show examples
 to work for
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 living
instead
 they can pursue their dreams
such
 as travelling.
For example
, a young man from a reputed business family decided
for travelling
Change preposition
to travel
show examples
instead
 of managing their family business.
Besides
,
employment
 may be caused
for
Change preposition
by
show examples
 physical and mental issues. To exemplify, It is believed that 40% of
workforce
Add an article
the workforce
show examples
 around the world
has
Verb problem
is
show examples
 suffering
various
Change preposition
from various
show examples
 kinds of stress.
As a result
, the well-being of
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 would
inversly
Correct your spelling
inversely
affect
Wrong verb form
affected
show examples
 by routine
employment
.
Furthermore
, several
people
 around the world
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
prefered
Correct your spelling
prefer
 to do voluntary work rather than doing lucrative
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
. In detail,
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
employment
 might provide financial security which would not be sufficient for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
self satisfaction
Add a hyphen
self-satisfaction
show examples
,
therefore
, several
people
 decide to do voluntary
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 for poor
countires
Correct your spelling
countries
instead
 of spending
throughout
Correct pronoun usage
it throughout
show examples
 their life in
corporate
Add an article
the corporate
show examples
 business world.
Similarly
Add a comma
Similarly,
show examples
 some faction of
people
holds
Correct subject-verb agreement
hold
show examples
 the notion that
employment
 is not vital for living. In detail, YouTube influencers are creating
incomes
Fix the agreement mistake
income
show examples
while
 chasing their dreams. In conclusion, since
employment
 causes physical and mental issues,
employment
 is not necessary for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 who have
second
Add an article
a second
show examples
 income. Several
people
 choose voluntary work
instead
 of
Correct article usage
a lucreative
show examples
lucreative
Correct your spelling
lucrative
creative
 job for
self satisfaction
Add a hyphen
self-satisfaction
show examples
.
Submitted by ck.manshad on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position throughout the response, however, the development of your main points could be more thorough. Be sure to expand each point with specific details and examples to fully address the prompt.
Task achievement
To improve task achievement, aim to develop your ideas more thoroughly. Include more specific examples and ensure that each paragraph fully addresses a single main idea related to the prompt.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay demonstrates an adequate level of coherence and cohesion. However, some sentences and ideas could be more smoothly connected to enhance readability. Consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases.
Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, work on structuring your paragraphs more clearly. Start with a topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. Finally, conclude each paragraph by linking back to the essay's main argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: