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Band 5

Today, many people do not have time to spend with their families in large cities. What problems does this cause? What can be done about this?

#people #time #families #cities
Nowadays, there is a growing issue where
people
 living in big cities do not have sufficient
time
 with their loved ones. Despite the fact that most city communities are working, it
is
Change the verb form
is also worsened
is also worsening
show examples
also
 worsen by the condition of the transportation system. As living cost continues to increase, particularly in the city, more and more
people
 choose to work to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their needs.
This
 means
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the number of
people
 who commute from their home to their workplace is
also
 increasing. These workers demand
for
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
reliable, effective and efficient
travel
.
However
,
that is
 not always the case. In some large cities in Indonesia,
for
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 the capital Jakarta, commuting from home to the office is challenging because most
people
 rely solely on their private cars.
As a result
,
streets
Fix the agreement mistake
street
show examples
 congestion is inevitable and leads to more
travel
time
 for the employees.
Therefore
,
goverments
Correct your spelling
governments
government
 should take a crucial role in providing a reliable
transporation
Correct your spelling
transportation
 system. The employers' regulation
also
 contributes to the decrease in their employee's quality
time
. Work from
office
Correct article usage
the office
show examples
 is mandatory in most companies in big cities, despite the location of their workers'
house
Fix the agreement mistake
houses
show examples
.
Hence
,
people
 have to
travel
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 from home to
workplace
Correct article usage
the workplace
show examples
 and spend their
time
 on the streets, rather than with their families.
Goverment
Correct your spelling
Government
 and employers should work together to tackle
this
 condition. 
First, 
Correct article usage
the goverment
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
governments
 should focus on
transit oriented
Add a hyphen
transit-oriented
show examples
 development to reduce
people
's dependency on private cars.
Second,
they should be able to provide a reliable transportation system
that is
 affordable and efficient which can allow workers to
travel
 in
effective
Add an article
an effective
show examples
 way,
thus
reduce
Wrong verb form
reducing
show examples
 the amount of
travel
time
.
Lastly
, companies
shoul
Correct your spelling
should
also
promotes
Correct subject-verb agreement
promote
show examples
 Work-From-Home (WFH) regulations
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 encourage
people
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
 commuting frequency.
Submitted by giskaayprd on

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Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure you fully address all parts of the prompt in a balanced manner. While you've presented relevant issues and solutions, further exploration of the direct consequences on families and relationships would enhance the completeness of your response.
Coherence & Cohesion
When working on coherence and cohesion, try to organize your essay more effectively by using clearer paragraph breaks and transitions. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea, supported by examples or explanations, that connects back to the overall topic. Consider using a wider variety of cohesive devices to make these links more explicit.
Language Use
To strengthen your essay, incorporate a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely. Also, double-check your work for any grammatical or typographical errors that can detract from clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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