IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Overweight Children In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should be responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #countries #people #government
It is often considered that a few individuals reckon that in many nations, teenagers are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
show examples
 believe that the government should play a vital role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 solving
this
 issue.
Thus
, I dissent from the notion which
further
 leads to a logical
conlcusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
. Commencing, the contemporary era consists of a number of youngsters with
unique
Add an article
a unique
show examples
concept
Fix the agreement mistake
concepts
show examples
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 food and their
body
 weight
although
 some of them are not
concious
Correct your spelling
conscious
 about their
body
 figure
while
 others are serious about that.
However
,
intake
Correct article usage
the intake
show examples
 of
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 or unhealthy diet,
depend
Correct subject-verb agreement
depends
show examples
 on the juveniles and
additionally
, they should do exercises regularly to gain
fit
Correct article usage
a fit
show examples
 and structured
body
 size.
For instance
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
scientist
Fix the agreement mistake
scientists
show examples
 in Australia researched the cause of overweight children and
as a consequence
, the
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 themselves are responsible for their
body
 size and weight. Probing ahead, the federal authorities
are not completely give
Change the verb form
are not completely given
are not completely giving
show examples
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society but they can make
aware
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the masses
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in what conditions or environments the meals are prepared.
Moreover
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
government officials
also
 compelled the companies to mention the composition of ingredients
along with
 fats so that folks
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 understand and eat
accordingly
.
For example
, in India, there are many unofficial street foods or food points in which crowds are always in queue and they
always
Add a missing verb
are always
show examples
 fond of eating these kinds of junkies even knowing that it is not healthy. In a nutshell, the representatives have the
resposibility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 to make
aware
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the population rather than giving spoon feeding as it's
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 duty of a single person to decide what to eat or not.
Instead
 of eating processed food, prefer
home made
Correct your spelling
homemade
show examples
 cuisines.
Submitted by vermarohit981.rv on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
To improve your task achievement score, try to directly address the prompt more forcefully by clearly stating your agreement or disagreement with the given statement. Use a variety of sentence structures and more precise vocabulary related to the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance coherence by making sure your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, supported by specific examples or reasons. Using linking words effectively can also help improve the flow of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
For better cohesion, ensure that the ideas within paragraphs and the connection between them are logical and clear. Use cohesive devices such as transition words smoothly and appropriately to guide the reader through your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!