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Band 5.5

Children recently play games when having free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages?

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In the modern epoch, with the progress of technology, a
number
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 of online
games
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 were made.
Also
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, a
number
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 of folks who have free
time
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 prefer to play
games
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 online rather than spend
time
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 with their friends or family
although
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this
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 phenomenon has demerits, some merits can not be overlooked. The following benefits and drawbacks and
also
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 examples will help support my point of view. On the one hand, a
host
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 of individuals especially youngsters prefer to play
games
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 online.
Consequently
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,
this
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 event has a large
number
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 of cons
such
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 as physical and mental illnesses.
For instance
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, in my country, Iran a
host
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 of people who play online
games
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 a lot may have some pain
such
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 as eye or back pain. So, if you look at the screen and
seat
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sit
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 a lot, you will have pains when you get older.
Moreover
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, if you do not spend
time
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 with your family or friends when they will pass away or leave you, you be able to get a
host
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 of mental illnesses
such
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 as depression.
For instance
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, a people who live in the USA, when youngsters do not have any bond with their family when they are alone, they will do some bad things
such
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 as they will do drugs or drunk.
On the other hand
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, a
number
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 of people think that playing online
games
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 has some benefits , especially for children.
For example
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, they can learn some languages not only learn all tongues, but
also
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 they can speak English
due to
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 the fact that when they play online they should communicate with each other.
However
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, in my opinion,
this
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 reason is not extremely significant because we have a large
number
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 of English institutes. So, we can go there and learn languages whatever want. In conclusion, we recognize
this
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 event has a
host
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 of obvious drawbacks and a
number
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 of pros if we can control the
time
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 when we play online
games
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.
Consequently
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, if parents can control their children, we won't have any cons. So, if I were they, I would change some things.

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Task Achievement
To improve your score in Task Achievement, ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. Your response should clearly present relevant arguments for both sides (advantages and disadvantages) with a balanced view. Consider expanding on your ideas with more detailed explanations and direct answers to the prompt.
Coherence and Cohesion
For better Coherence and Cohesion, work on organizing your essay more logically. Use paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, and make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea supported by examples or explanations. Transition words can help improve the flow of your writing, making your arguments easier to follow.
General
In terms of both Task Achievement and Coherence and Cohesion, providing more specific and varied examples will make your arguments stronger and more persuasive. Try to include real-world examples or hypothetical scenarios that directly relate to the advantages and disadvantages of children playing games in their free time.
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