IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that television programs are no real value for children. 1.Do you agree or disagree?

#people #television #programs #value #children
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A faction of people holds the notion that
television
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programs
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 are not beneficial for young ones. I completely agree with
this
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 view as ample reasons are present to substantiate it.
This
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 essay will explain my viewpoint with relevant illustrations. First and foremost,
television
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programs
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which is targeting
Wrong verb form
that target
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children
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 would cause addiction which is detrimental
for
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to
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 their future.
This
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 is because juveniles spend several hours
for
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apply
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watching
television
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programs
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 .
As a result
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, the
children
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 might lose their interest in academic subjects.
Similarly
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, since the
children
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 could not understand that
televison
Correct your spelling
television
 characters
are
Verb problem
do
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 not
existing
Wrong verb form
exist
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 in real life, they might mimic the characters of the virtual world.
For example
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, it is reported that hundreds of students believe that
Spider Man
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Spider-Man
show examples
 is real and they are expecting he will
recue
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rescue
 them whenever they are in
a
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apply
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trouble.
Furthermore
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, another obvious effect of these
television
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programs
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are
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is
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 promoting criminal behaviour.
This
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 is because numerous
television
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 series and movies promote crimes.
As a consequence
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,
children
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 might influenced by the characters in their favourite shows and commit crimes.
For example
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, a crime reported in a renowned school in Korea school is inspired by a famous
television
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 series Squid Game.
Moreover
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, young ones pester their parents to buy unwanted things by the influence of TV shows.
This
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 may result
to
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in
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the
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apply
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financial problems, especially for
low income
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low-income
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 people. In conclusion, addiction to
television
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 may
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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adversly
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adversely
 affect
academic
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the academic
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 performance of
juvniles
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juveniles
.
Influence
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The influence
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 of
charecters
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characters
character
of
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on
show examples
children
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's favourite TV shows leads
not
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to not
show examples
 only
crimes
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to crimes
show examples
 but
also
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to finanacial
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finanacial
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financial
 implications. I believe that
television
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programs
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 will not add any value
for
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to
show examples
 juveniles.
Submitted by ck.manshad on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your essay is structured clearly with distinct paragraphs, and that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence which is then expanded with further explanations or examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
Introduce a wider variety of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay. While you have used some effectively, varying your word choice can enhance readability and coherence.
Task Response
Provide a more balanced view in your argumentation, even if you strongly agree or disagree with the statement. Consider adding a paragraph acknowledging the opposing view, then refute it with strong arguments and examples to strengthen your position.
Task Response
While you have included relevant examples, aim to elaborate your ideas further with a deeper analysis or more detailed explanation of how and why these examples support your argument. This will enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
General Advice
Be mindful of minor grammatical errors and inconsistencies in tense usage. These can detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of your writing. Consider revising your essay with a focus on grammar and precision in language use.
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