IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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In many parts of the world young fellows are required to join the armed forces after leaving school.
While
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 a number of people think that
this
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 is a necessity, I would argue
this
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 fact. In
this
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 essay, I am
plannig
Correct your spelling
planning
 to explore a few perspectives to substantiate my point. On the one side, I completely agree with the obvious statement that each
country
Use synonyms
 should have its own army to
defence
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defend
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 the
boarders
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borders
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 from the
intervation
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intervention
 of potential enemies.
For example
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, if a
country
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 has unfriendly neighbours, it would be
vitally
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vital
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 to have a strong army. To clearly explain
this
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, Israel is a
country
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 under martial law where even girls can become
soldier
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soldiers
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.
On the other hand
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, I firmly believe that military service should not be compulsory for everyone, especially if there is no need to worry about the safety of the polity.
For example
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, in my
country
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, graduates are required to serve in the military, and to control
this
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, our government has to impose restrictions,
such
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 as not issuing them passports, to ensure that all young people complete the appropriate military service. In my opinion,
this
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 is a violation of individual rights.
For instance
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, I personally know a family whose son was struggling outside of his
country
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due to
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 not having a passport. Taking into account all considered above, I would like to summarise that the above-mentioned statement is arguable, and there are facts both in
favor
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favour
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 of
this
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 statement and against it.
Although
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 military service may be considered compulsory in some cases, I believe that in general everyone should have the freedom to do so.

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Task Achievement
Your essay has a clear position throughout, but developing your main points further would enhance task achievement. Consider elaborating on why you view military service as unnecessary in certain contexts with more depth, perhaps by exploring alternative forms of national contribution or comparing it with other countries' approaches.
Coherence & Cohesion
A more explicit introduction and conclusion that directly address the essay question can make your stance stronger. For example, end your introduction with a sentence clearly stating your opinion on the matter. Similarly, your conclusion should succinctly reiterate your position and summarize why you hold that stance, based on the arguments presented.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay's logical flow can be improved by using a wider range of cohesive devices and better paragraphing. While your essay is structured well, introducing transitional phrases like "Moreover," "Furthermore," or "As a result," can help create smoother transitions between sections. Also, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • compulsory
  • military service
  • young men
  • adopt
  • system
  • patriotism
  • national unity
  • responsibility
  • discipline
  • individual freedoms
  • personal choice
  • skills
  • training
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