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Band 1.5

Some people think parents should supervise there children's activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #parents #children #activities #freedom
While
 a faction of people holds the notion that children should be closely monitored by their parents, others argue that their
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
 should be independent.
This
 essay will delve into both viewpoints and explain my support for the latter opinion with relevant illustrations. First and foremost, the advocates of parental control claim that freedom of choice
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early age would help them to enhance
the
Change the word
their
show examples
dicision
Correct your spelling
decision
 making ability.
In other words
, independent juveniles would have more capacity for dealing
difficult
Change preposition
with difficult
show examples
 situations compared with parents dependent children.
Besides
, in the concurrent busy world, people have
hectic
Add an article
a hectic
show examples
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
,
therefore
, the parents may not have sufficient time to monitor their
offsping
Correct your spelling
offspring
. Authorities and schools have the responsibility to observe the children and guide them
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in a proper way.
Submitted by ck.manshad on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Structure your essay effectively with a clear introduction, development of ideas, and a conclusion. You partially fulfilled this, but missing a proper conclusion weakened the structure.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main point and develop it with specific examples or explanations. You started to do this but didn't fully develop or support your points.
Task Achievement
Fully address the task by discussing both views mentioned in the prompt and providing your own opinion. You need to more clearly discuss the view supporting parental supervision and strengthen your own stance.
Task Achievement
Utilize specific examples to illustrate your points. Your argument would benefit greatly from concrete examples and a clearer explanation of your views.
Coherence & Cohesion
Watch out for basic grammar and spelling errors to improve clarity and professionalism of your writing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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