IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation has more advantages or more disadvantages?

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An enormous amount of people are spending lots of
time
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 at the workplace ever than before
as a result
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 they do not have much
time
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 to relax.
Although
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this
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 can help them to excel in their career, it has disastrous effects on their health. On the one hand, extended working hours are worthwhile for professional growth. Since it provides enough
time
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 to collaborate with the workforce, employees build strong relationships with each other.
In addition
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, it allows one to practice skills effectively and efficiently.
For instance
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, when I started my career, I was working until midnight which helped me not only to get familiar with my colleagues and seniors but
also
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 embrace top-notch data analysis skills that aid me to secure a job whenever I appear in an interview.
Hence
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, the more we spend
time
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 in the workplace, the more we will be rewarded.
On the other hand
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, work-life balance is essential for physical and mental well-being. Dedicating a major portion of life to professional activities often leads to chronic diseases.
Moreover
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, it exacerbates social life.
For example
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, people have been complaining about overweight, backache, and anxiety when they do not have much
time
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 for leisure.
Furthermore
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, often workaholic persons have a struggling social life they seem to argue with friends and family
as a result
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 they deteriorate their relationships.
Therefore
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, one must spare
time
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 for hobbies and loved ones. In conclusion, lots of people are worried about their careers and dedicating their lives to work. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle with a work-life balance outweighs the career goals.

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Task Achievement
Develop a more balanced introduction that clearly states your opinion on whether the situation has more advantages or disadvantages. This will help to clarify your stance to the reader right from the beginning.
Task Achievement
When discussing advantages and disadvantages, make sure to equally elaborate on both. Your essay currently leans more towards discussing the disadvantages. Adding more detail and development to the advantages would create a more balanced response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use a wider variety of cohesive devices to link ideas more effectively. While you have made some attempts, more sophisticated use of linking words could improve the flow of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs have clear topic sentences that introduce the main idea of each paragraph. This helps the reader understand the main point you are about to discuss and improves both coherence and cohesion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Incorporate a conclusion that not only summarizes the main points discussed but also restates your stance on the issue in a clear and concise manner. A more defined conclusion will provide a better closure to your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-life balance
  • mental well-being
  • burnout
  • stress relief
  • productivity
  • economic growth
  • career progression
  • skill enhancement
  • quality time
  • financial security
  • leisure activities
  • physical health
  • personal relationships
  • stress-related illnesses
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