IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Families who send their children to private schools should not be required to pay taxes that support the state education system. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#families #children #schools #taxes #support #education #system
Nowadays, education is the most essential for developing good behaviour in the world. Some people prefer to send their
children
 to private
schools
 and should not pay
taxes
 because they believe that support the state education system. Personally, I totally disagree with
this
 view. First and foremost, private
schools
 have an abundance of benefits for some
students
 who can be more intensive in learning courses
such
 as mathematics, physics, language, and other subjects.
Moreover
, some
parents
 should pay more money because their
children
 study more intensively than other
students
.
For instance
, some
students
 in Indonesia prefer to study in boarding
schools
 rather than general
schools
 which are provided by the government. They believe that their
children
 who study in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
boarding
schools
 are faster in receiving materials and more efficient for brainstorming with their tutors.
Consequently
, some
parents
 should pay more
taxes
 to give salaries to their teachers.
Furthermore
, private
schools
 are quieter than general
schools
 because
students
 in private classes have no more than 5
students
.
Furthermore
, when
taxes
 are covered by governments
who
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 are more expensive to develop good behaviour.
Moreover
, they should pay more money to get more amenities
such
 as parking and reporting.
For example
, in boarding
schools
, some
students
 have advanced technology to support their materials.
In addition
, when teachers who give taught about the process of earthquake mitigation
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 easier to explain using 3D video because it is more interactive. So, it is not cheap to prepare all
materials
Correct article usage
the materials
show examples
 in the boarding
schools
. I believe that the government should not be required to pay
taxes
 because some
parents
 who have a responsibility to pay
taxes
 are higher than other
parents
.
To conclude
, some
parents
 should pay more
taxes
 to get more facilities because the government does not cover
taxes
 for getting extra time to learn for their
children
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Task Achievement
You provided a clear stance in the introduction, which is positive. However, to improve your Task Achievement score, ensure your arguments are directly related to the topic. Specifically, focus on the argument that families using private schools should or should not pay taxes for state education. Clarify and directly address the implications of not paying taxes on public education.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a recognizable structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is good for Coherence and Cohesion. To enhance it further, work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs. Using phrases such as 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' and 'For example,' in a more strategic manner can help guide the reader through your arguments more seamlessly.
Task Achievement
Support your main points with more relevant examples and explanations directly tied to the question prompt. While examples from the Indonesian education system are valuable, ensure they are explicitly linked to the discussion about tax obligations and the support of the state education system. Strengthen your argument by providing more detailed evidence and analysis on how these examples support your stance on the tax issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • tax exemption
  • public education
  • private schools
  • collective responsibility
  • societal welfare
  • equitable access
  • financial burden
  • social cohesion
  • tax credits
  • vouchers
  • subsidies
  • state-funded
  • socioeconomic disparities
  • public vs. private sector
  • quality of education
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