IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think only parents are responsible for teaching children how to behave. Others think the main responsibility lies with schools and the government. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Some people argue that the responsibility to instil good behaviours in
children
Use synonyms
 can only be done by parents,
while
Linking Words
 others say that government and educational institutions are the main actors which are responsible
to ensure
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for ensuring
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children
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 follow society's norms and rules.
Although
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 those institutions can contribute to
children
Use synonyms
's positive attitudes, I believe parenting
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
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 a more predominant role.
In
Change preposition
On
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one
Correct article usage
the one
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 hand, educational institutions can play a key role
to teach
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in teaching
show examples
children
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 how to behave with education programs and curricula.
For example
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, in Indonesia, primary school students are taught how to stand in line, respect their peers and teachers, and tidy up their
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
 when they finish their lessons. At the same time, the Indonesian government has supported what schools do
through
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by
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 providing sufficient
fundings
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funding
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 and issuing necessary regulations
such
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 as anti-bullying.
On the other hand
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, parents are the first
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
 of
behaviour
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 for their
children
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. In fact, they can set a foundation for good
behaviour
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 in
children
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 during their formative years. Primary
care givers
Correct your spelling
caregivers
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 can show their
children
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 how to respect each other in their family and they can
also
Linking Words
 model how to say please, thank you, or how to apologize if mistakes were made.
In addition
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, parents
also
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 can continuously reinforce positive attitudes and address negative ones in their
children
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.
As a result
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,
children
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 can learn appropriate ways to behave and interact with other people. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 and governments can influence
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 positive
behaviour
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, primary caregivers are more responsible
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 instilling good
behaviour
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 because they can set the foundation for it during
children
Use synonyms
's formative years.

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Task Achievement
Ensure your argument is balanced by discussing both views in equal depth before giving your opinion. Your essay leans slightly more towards the parental influence without equally weighing the opposing viewpoint.
Task Achievement
Integrate a wider range of specific examples to support your arguments. While the examples given are relevant, adding more could further strengthen your points, especially for the opposing viewpoint.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on improving the transitions between paragraphs and ideas to enhance the flow of your essay. Using a variety of linking phrases can make the progression of arguments smoother.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present and effective, working on the clarity of your thesis statement and conclusion summary could make your stance and the essay's structure even clearer.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • primary caregivers
  • influencers
  • initial responsibility
  • formative years
  • educators
  • ethical and social behaviours
  • government policies
  • societal norms
  • foundational values
  • broad reach
  • cultivate
  • holistic development
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