IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to take care of their own health, others believe that government should make sure that their are healthy.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #responsibility #individuals #care #health #government
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Some individuals state that one's
health
 condition is their own
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
,
therefore
, they should take measures to prevent illness and improve it.
Whereas
, some
people
 argue that the
government
 plays
major
Add an article
a major
show examples
 role and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
should take
actions
Fix the agreement mistake
action
show examples
 in a way that the society is generally healthy. From the first point of perspective, it is believed that everyone is responsible for their
health
, which I completely agree
.
Change preposition
with.
show examples
 Nowadays, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 so much information you can find whether in books or even social
medias
Fix the agreement mistake
media
show examples
such
 as Instagram
ot
Correct your spelling
or
 Tiktok, where fitness,
nutritionist
Fix the agreement mistake
nutritionists
show examples
,
dieticionists
Correct word choice
and dieticionists
show examples
 are a big thing. That means
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 everyone has access to information
wheter
Correct your spelling
whether
 it is about eating healthy, losing weight, toning,
gaing
Correct your spelling
gaining
gain
gaming
 muscles, making
protein
Add an article
a protein
show examples
shake
Fix the agreement mistake
shakes
show examples
, smoothie or even what type of tea to drink for better sleep.
Th
Correct your spelling
The
show examples
 point is
although
 the information is open and public to everyone, not all
people
 take these measures to improve their lifestyle and their habits.
This
 leads to a point that
people
 have free will and it is completely up to them in what
lfestyle
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
 to engage in. If one is curious and
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 discipline and motivation to better their
health
 and well-being, it is in their hands. Another perspective is that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 is responsible for the
individualts'
Correct your spelling
individual's
health
 and I think, it makes sense to some
extend
Replace the word
extent
show examples
 because the system
such
 as healthcare is majorly impacted by
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 influence.
Thus
, the
government
 should make sure that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthcare services
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 available or
affordabe
Correct your spelling
affordable
 to
general
Add an article
the general
show examples
 public so that it does not seem like a luxury but
basic
Add an article
a basic
show examples
 human right. Even, rules on banning electronic
cigarattes
Correct your spelling
cigarettes
 or increasing the price
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
 with the prevention
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 a high number of smokers and Hong Kong is a good example of that. The statistics show that there has been a decline in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of smokers these years
complared
Correct your spelling
compared
 to the past years. Another thing is the public gym
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 that
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
 adults and kids to go out for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
fresh air and make use of these exercises. Placing them in parks is
such
 a brilliant idea that
HK
Correct article usage
the HK
show examples
government
 implemented. Even seeing
people
 or
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
old
people
 makes
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
passing by individuals
inspire
Verb problem
apply
show examples
and reflect on their habits. The
accessibilty
Correct your spelling
accessibility
,
comfortbility
Correct your spelling
comfortability
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
safety of hikes
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 another big thing that can be done by the
government
. When
such
 resources are available, it makes for individuals in society to take care of their
health
 easily. In my opinion, the perfect example is the combination of both, the individual's effort and will to try and take care of their
health
as well as
he
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
goverment's
Correct your spelling
government's
 effort and emphasis
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 healthcare by providing a good system and accessible
infrastrucute
Correct your spelling
infrastructure
.
Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
,
at
Change the preposition
in
show examples
 the end, it is up to a person to make use of
such
 benefits or just ignore
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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Task Achievement
Enhance the overall structure by providing a clearer thesis statement in the introduction, outlining the main arguments. This will help readers understand the essay's direction from the beginning.
Coherence & Cohesion
Introduce topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly present the main idea, followed by supporting sentences. This will improve the logical flow and coherence of your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Avoid spelling and grammatical errors by proofreading your essay. For instance, correct phrases like 'the government plays major role' to 'the government plays a major role'. Attention to detail will enhance your essay's quality.
General
Incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate your linguistic range. This can make your argument more compelling and engaging to read.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • public health infrastructure
  • health literacy
  • wellness programs
  • fiscal policies
  • lifestyle diseases
  • universal healthcare
  • regulatory frameworks
  • socio-economic determinants of health
  • holistic health approach
What to do next:
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