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Band 5

some people think it is individuals' responsbilty to take of thier health but some argue the goverment is responsible for that

#people #individuals #responsbilty #thier #health #argue #goverment
Some individuals state that one's
health
 condition is their own responsibility,
therefore
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
one
show examples
 should take measures to prevent illness and improve it.
Whereas
, some
people
 argue that the
government
 plays a major role and they should take action in a way that the society is generally healthy. From the first point of perspective, it is believed that everyone is responsible for their
health
, which I completely agree
.
Change preposition
with.
show examples
 Nowadays, there is so much information you can find whether in books or even social media
such
 as Instagram
ot
Correct your spelling
or
 Tiktok, where fitness, nutritionists, and dieticionists are a big thing. That means
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 everyone has access to information whether it is about eating healthy, losing weight, toning, gaining muscles, making
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
protein shakes,
smoothie
Fix the agreement mistake
smoothies
show examples
 or even what type of tea to drink for better sleep.
Th
Correct your spelling
The
show examples
 point is
although
 the information is open and public to everyone, not all
people
 take these measures to improve their lifestyle and their habits.
This
 leads to a point that
people
 have free will and it is completely up to them in what lifestyle to engage in. If one is curious and has
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 discipline and motivation to better their
health
 and well-being, it is in their hands. Another perspective is that the
government
 is responsible for the individual's
health
 and I think, it makes sense to some extent because the system
such
 as healthcare is majorly impacted by the
government
's influence.
Thus
, the
government
 should make sure that healthcare services
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 available or affordable to the general public so that it does not seem like a luxury but a basic human right. Even, rules on banning electronic cigarettes or increasing the price
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
 with the prevention
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 a high number of smokers and Hong Kong is a good example of that. The statistics show that there has been a decline in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 number of smokers these years compared to the past years. Another thing is the public gym equipment that encourages adults and kids to go out for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
fresh air and make use of these exercises. Placing them in parks is
such
 a brilliant idea that the HK
government
 implemented. Even seeing
people
 or
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
old
people
 makes passing by individuals inspire and reflect on their habits. The accessibility,
comfortability
Replace the word
comfort
show examples
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
safety of hikes
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 big
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
 that can be done by the
government
. When
such
 resources are available, it makes for individuals in society to take care of their
health
 easily. In my opinion, the perfect example is the combination of both, the individual's effort and will to try and take care of their
health
as well as
 the
government
's effort and emphasis on healthcare by providing a good system and accessible infrastructure.
However
, in the end, it is up to a person to make use of
such
 benefits or just ignore them.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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coherence cohesion
You've provided a decent structure to your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is commendable. However, to improve the coherence and cohesion further, it's essential to focus on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Use linking phrases like 'Furthermore', 'In contrast', or 'Similarly' to show the relationship between ideas more clearly.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates an understanding of the task and addresses both sides of the argument before reaching a conclusion. To enhance your task achievement, ensure that your arguments are more evenly developed. While you have provided examples, incorporating more detailed and varied examples can enrich your discussion and demonstrate a deeper understanding.
general tip
Watch out for spelling and grammatical errors which can detract from the clarity of your argument. Proofreading your essay thoroughly before submission can help eliminate these errors. Consider also using a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely and engagingly.
coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, aim to outline your main points more clearly in the introduction and ensure each paragraph supports your main argument coherently. This will make your essay more persuasive and easier to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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