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Band 2.5

Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society, but most of the time fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?

#history #people #society #time #happen
It is true that living in
an
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a
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 wonderful community is the big dream of people.
However
Add a comma
However,
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 it seems to me that it is challenging to carry out. I will clearly my point in the next essay. Depending on
others
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others'
other's
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opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
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which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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there is a different point of view.
To begin
 with, in terms of
ideal
Correct article usage
the ideal
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 public, the majority of residents dream of getting access to free education. Specifically, individuals have opportunities to study in good schools. More importantly, children in isolated areas can have chances to go to school without worrying about tuition fees and other expenses. Another one is that environmental protection is
also
 their top priority to create
the
Correct article usage
a
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 beautiful life. Living in a great
asmostphere
Correct your spelling
atmosphere
 which is a big dream of citizens. It is really difficult in order to create
a
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an
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ieal
Correct your spelling
equal
 society. Government who take a lead in all problems.
About
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Regarding
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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education, the
lawmarket
Correct your spelling
law market
 should propose effective solutions to
promote
Verb problem
encourage
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 children to attend school. Providing more
infractructure
Correct your spelling
infrastructure
 for students in mountainous regions and remote areas.
Besides
 that the parents should encourage their
childen
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children
go
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to go
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 to school. With regard to environmental issues,the authority should
properate
Correct your spelling
operate
propagate
 solutions to protect the environment,
the
Correct word choice
and the
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 benefits that
green
Correct article usage
a green
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 lifestyle brings.
Moreover
, the population should join hands together to limit
emission
Fix the agreement mistake
emissions
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 into the environment
, Replace
Correct your spelling
and replace
 nylon and plastic with environmentally friendly materials.
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

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Task Achievement
Your introduction could be enhanced by offering a stronger thesis statement that clearly presents your view on an ideal society and how it can be achieved. Consider directly addressing the essay question in your introduction to make your stance clear from the outset.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve in the area of coherence and cohesion, work on constructing clearer and more logically structured paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, supported by examples or explanations. Transition words (e.g., 'furthermore,' 'in addition') can help create smoother connections between your ideas.
Task Achievement
You have attempted to provide examples to support your ideas, but they could be further developed. For heightened task achievement, offer more detailed and specific examples that directly support the main ideas of your essay. This illustrates your points more vividly and makes your argument more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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