IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The enhancement of technology
were
Verb problem
has
show examples
 already changed human behaviour. In
this
Linking Words
 day and age,
people
Use synonyms
 tend to depend on computer technology rather than before,
for example
Linking Words
, to communicate, to buy
medicines
Use synonyms
, or to use transport. Some argue that
this
Linking Words
 condition has
built
Verb problem
created
show examples
 a dangerous situation. In my view, I, firmly disagree with that statement because of the many advantages that we have if we reliance ourself
with
Change preposition
on
show examples
 these systems.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, every day
people
Use synonyms
 are using public transport to go to work,
whereas
Linking Words
 they have to bring
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 card to tap on the machine to get into the vehicles.
However
Linking Words
, somehow many
people
Use synonyms
 forget to bring the card,
then
Linking Words
 they have to get back to their home,
hence
Linking Words
, they will come late to their office. As an example, in South Korea,
people
Use synonyms
 there just bring their phones and tap the phones on the systems,
then
Linking Words
 they can enter any transportation.
As a result
Linking Words
, South Korea became the number one country with a few
people
Use synonyms
 getting late to the office.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the advances in medicine applications were very useful if we got sick. We were often diagnosed with cough and flu and we were not going to the hospital just staying in bed.
Moreover
Linking Words
, those apps make it easy because we can order the
medicines
Use synonyms
 through an app,
then
Linking Words
 they drop the
medicines
Use synonyms
 at our house and they
also
Linking Words
 have a history section of what we have bought in case we forgot. As an example, another day we got the same symptoms as before,
thus
Linking Words
 we just looked back at the history on the app and re-order again.
To sum up
Linking Words
, the rapid change
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 technology has made everything easier than before, including transport systems,
medicines
Use synonyms
, and communications.
Although
Linking Words
, we have to know how to use it wisely and properly.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary
Consider using a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely and avoid repetition. For instance, instead of using 'reliance' repeatedly, you could use synonyms like 'dependency' or 'dependence'.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence, make transitions between paragraphs smoother by using linking words effectively. For example, instead of abruptly starting a new paragraph, you could use phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'In addition to' to introduce your next point.
Task Achievement
Ensure your essay is fully addressing the task by considering both sides of the argument, even if you strongly agree or disagree. You can strengthen your argument by acknowledging counterarguments and refuting them appropriately.
Grammar
To enhance your grammar range and accuracy, pay attention to verb tenses and subject-verb agreement. For instance, 'The enhancement of technology were already changed human behaviour' should be corrected to 'The enhancement of technology has already changed human behaviour'.
Task Achievement
When providing examples or evidence to support your points, try to elaborate on why these examples are relevant and how they support your argument. This will help in achieving a more complete and persuasive response.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • reliance
  • cybersecurity
  • over-reliance
  • digital divide
  • data breach
  • cyberbullying
  • diagnostic machines
  • electronic health records
  • automated vehicles
  • predictive maintenance
  • real-time monitoring
  • vulnerability
  • misinformation
  • hacking
  • efficiency
  • navigation systems
  • traditional skills
  • system failures
What to do next:
Look at other essays: