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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#consequences #care #people #life #expectancy #development
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Since the medical care
system
Use synonyms
 has made significant progress in the
last
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 decades,
people
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 nowadays get older.
While
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this
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 can be seen as a clear benefit on a personal view, it causes huge problems on a global view. That’s why I think that the benefits of a higher
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy do not outweigh the drawbacks. On the one hand, an advantage of
a
Remove the article
apply
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longer
life
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 and better medical care is that
people
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 can spend more time with their loved ones without being in pain. As it is possible to treat illnesses
Change preposition
in the
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
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 way, that they don’t affect the patient’s
life
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 anymore.
For example
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, even a few years ago a lot of
people
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 died having a heart attack. With the increased medical
possibilities
Add a comma
possibilities,
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this
Linking Words
 isn’t the case anymore.
As a result
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,
people
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 can overcome illnesses that
were
Wrong verb form
are
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 deadly.
On the other hand
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, the global impact a longer
life
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 expectancy has is huge.
This
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 can be seen by the fact that a longer
life
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 of individuals means a higher population on planet
earth
Capitalize word
Earth
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.
For instance
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, we already have about 8 billion inhabitants and
this
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 number is increasing steadily.
Consequently
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, we’ll not have enough resources to gain food and water for
such
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 a high number of individuals.
Furthermore
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, a longer
life
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 period
also
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 causes higher costs for the medical care
system
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.
Reason
Correct article usage
The reason
show examples
 for
that is
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 that more resources are needed to keep
people
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 healthy and alive. To illustrate, for the prevention of a heart attack the patient gets a variety of pills to decrease his blood pressure.
This
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 medication is expensive.
Accordingly
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, we will need more and more young
people
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 to finance the medical
system
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, or the
system
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 must be changed.
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task response
Expand on the advantages of longer life expectancy in more detail, providing equal development to both sides of the argument to fully answer the question.
coherence and cohesion
Link your ideas more clearly and use a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow of your essay. This will enhance the reader's ability to follow your argument.
task response
Work on developing a balanced argument by discussing both sides equally and considering the implications more deeply. This will create a more rounded and comprehensive response to the task.
coherence and cohesion
End your essay with a clearer conclusion that summarizes your points and definitively states your position on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
coherence and cohesion
Use more varied sentence structures and vocabulary to add complexity and interest to your writing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • elderly population
  • health care systems
  • pension funds
  • extended family relationships
  • quality of life
  • aging population
  • economic growth
  • volunteer work
  • expertise
  • financial planning
  • retirement
  • age-related diseases
  • medical research
  • healthier lifestyles
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