IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some places old age is valued, while in other cultures youth is considered more important. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

#places #age #cultures #youth
Whether some areas take old
people
 seriously because of the
experience
.
Although
 other places concentrate on a creative atmosphere, so young
people
 are more essential,
this
 writer believes that youth is more meaningful for the modern age. It must be considered that old
people
 are critical because they have a lot of knowledge. They spend much time of their life on their work so can can gain lots of
experience
. Compared to younger
people
 which already graduated,
it is clear that
 older have tried and failed many times and can learn from their mistakes
while
 younger do not have practical
experience
, so they can make mistakes and will not work better than old
people
. Take hospital Vinmec as
example
Add an article
an example
show examples
, every year they ignore more than 80% of new doctors who do not have enough
experience
.
However
, in some workplaces, they need youngsters because of their creative energy. Opposite of the careful energy but obsolete from older
people
, youngsters have a modern point of view, they more creative day by day. In some occupations about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
content or fashion, they do not need to the careful, they need something breakout because it makes
the
Correct your spelling
them
show examples
 unique and makes
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society modern. Every year, Google fires more than 45% of its staff because they do not have
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
new ideas or projects. In conclusion, older
people
 may be important in some jobs like doctors or teachers because of their
experience
, but
this
 writer believes that society needs breakout ideas from youngsters for the modern future.
Submitted by zky1705202 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Your introduction provides a good overview of the topic, but it could be improved by offering a clearer thesis statement that more directly states your position.
Task Achievement
Work on developing your main points with more nuanced examples and elaborations to fully illustrate your arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is supported by specific examples or evidence to strengthen your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay and make the relationship between ideas clearer.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • repositories of knowledge
  • esteemed
  • insights
  • embedded
  • seeking advice
  • prioritizing
  • premium on innovation
  • dynamism
  • adaptability
  • technological advancements
  • entrepreneurs
  • pioneers
  • indispensable
  • stability
  • harmonious
  • progressive
What to do next:
Look at other essays: