The percentage of overweight children in Western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

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To begin
Linking Words
with, In today's
world
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world,
show examples
we can see
alot
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a lot
of changes in the
food
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culture, In the past people used to eat
helathy
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healthy
food
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, If we can see now there is a huge change in the
food
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habits and the culture of eating. In my
view
Add a comma
view,
show examples
people from
past
Correct article usage
the past
show examples
used to harvest a good crop and used to eat
helathy
Correct your spelling
healthily
, If we see
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
world everything is
corruputed
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corrupted
by the
corporated
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corporate
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companies and the products they are providing to the people
,
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apply
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when I was a kid I used to see all vegetables to grow in proper shape and size but
,
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apply
show examples
if we see now they all are different.
For example
Linking Words
, I used to eat clean and fresh fruits if we see now, when we wash a fruit
there
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their
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colour will be coming
on to
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onto
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our hands
thats
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that
that's
how the fruits are being now
its
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it's
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not at all healthy. Since
,
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apply
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there
was
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were
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so much of corrupted fields the
food
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is
Wrong verb form
was
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not
being
Verb problem
apply
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healthy.
Therefore
Linking Words
, nowadays kinds are more
passinote
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passionate
to eat junk
food
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like pizzas, burgers and
choclates
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chocolates
chocolate
which have high
chances
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chance
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of
colestral
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cholesterol
. To be honest, all the
restaraunts
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restaurants
want to attract
the
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apply
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customers so, they design their
food
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to be attractive
therefore
Linking Words
, all the kids are being attracted to unhealthy
food
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and are eating
alot
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a lot
of fatty acids and
colestral
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cholesterol
foods which
lead
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leads
show examples
them to gain more weight and since
then
Linking Words
, the percentage of overweight has been increased. To summarize, I am really
regreatful
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regretful
that we are not getting
the
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apply
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natural
food
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from nature and as we are depending on the
unhelathy
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
restartaunts
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restaurants
I am sorrowfully sorry for our kids who are facing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
huge problems
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
the
food
Use synonyms
chain system.
Submitted by bollevenkatesh9 on

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Task Achievement
Your essay provides an interesting perspective on the causes of childhood obesity, focusing predominantly on food quality and choices. However, to improve your Task Achievement score, you should broaden your discussion to include a wider range of causes and explicitly address the effects of this trend as the prompt requests.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance Coherence and Cohesion, structuring your essay into clear paragraphs each focused on a separate idea would be beneficial. Start with an introductory paragraph that outlines the essay's direction, follow with body paragraphs that each introduce and elaborate on a single point, and conclude with a summary or conclusion paragraph.
Coherence and Cohesion
Using varying sentence structures and transitional phrases can help the flow of your essay and make it easier to follow. Additionally, aim to correct grammatical errors and ensure proper punctuation, as these can significantly impact the readability of your text.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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