IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries, people are spending long hours at the workplace. Why does this happen? Is it a positive or negative development?

#countries #people #hours #workplace #happen #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In some parts of the world, many individuals take a long
time
 through their factory.
This
 trend can be attributed to a combination of economic pressure and increased job demand.
This
 can have advantages and on the other side, it may have a bad side. The essay aims to shed light on the viewpoint before ultimately concluding. On the one hand, there are many reasons why people have to
pay out
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 more
time
 at
work
. One important factor is that the higher living costs, especially in big cities, so citizens to
work
 longer phases to meet their financial obligations and support their lives.
For example
, working parent often struggle with the education fees of their children and the costs of accommodation, food, and healthcare services, which make them
work
 extra hours to earn money. Another reason is that in today's competitive market, many people feel the urge to push themselves harder and
work
 longer hours to finish their
work
, believing that taking on more responsibilities can help them and their organizations thrive.
As a result
, individuals have to sacrifice private
time
 and stay at their workstations to accomplish their assigned tasks.
On the other hand
, I hold a conviction that
this
 tendency is bringing more harm than good. It is undeniable that earning more money will facilitate one’s life.
Nevertheless
,
such
 a schedule will put a person under immense pressure, which can cause his health to drop and cause stress-related illnesses.
Besides
, overworking can career expansion but will leave them little
time
 for themselves and their families. They are less likely to gain
work
-life balance and will risk the well-being of their close relationships, exposing them to depression and isolation in the future. In conclusion,
although
 it is understandable why people are spending more
time
 at
work
, I believe that the value it brings is not worth the price one needs to pay.
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
To improve your Task Response score, ensure that you fully address all parts of the task. For instance, more examples that explain both the benefits and the drawbacks of spending long hours at work would be useful. Specific details about economic pressures and job demands would help solidify your arguments.
coherence cohesion
For better Coherence and Cohesion, ensure that all paragraphs link logically from one to the next. You could improve the logical structure by ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that indicates its main idea.
overall positive
You have a strong introduction and conclusion that clearly set out and wrap up your arguments. This is a positive aspect and contributes to a good overall coherence of your essay.
specific positive
The use of real-life examples (e.g., working parents) helps to make the essay more relatable and grounded. This improves the strength of your main points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: