IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#information #individuals #internet #companies #organisations #outweigh
The given chart gives
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information about the number of
times
 an individual in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 junk
food
 from 2003 to 2013.The graph uses
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
if
Correct your spelling
of
show examples
people
 as a unit of measure. After analyzing the graph it is clearly evident that very few
percantage
Correct your spelling
per cent
 of
people
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
America
eats
Correct subject-verb agreement
eat
show examples
 fast
food
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
;
However
 the number has reduced significantly over a period of time from around 4% in 2003 to 3% in 2006. It stayed constant in 2013.
This
 same trend is seen in
proportion
Add an article
the proportion
a proportion
show examples
 of
people
 who never consume unhealthy
food
(5& in 2003 and 4% in 2006 and 2013). The percentage of individuals who have fast
food
 several
times
 a
week
 and only a single or couple of
times
 in a
week
 has increased
deom
Correct your spelling
from
 2003 to 2006 by approximately 3% and 2% respectively. Afterwards, it
decliened
Correct your spelling
declined
 in the year 2013 coming back to nearly 16% and 28% for
people
 who ate
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
times
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
week
 and for those who ate once or twice a
week
. The proportion of folks who had junk
food
 only once or twice in a month dropped drastically in 2006(30%) as
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 to 23006%).
This
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 grew substantially in 2013 by around 8%. The ratio of humans who consumed
food
 which is not good for their bodies a few
times
 in the
calender
Correct your spelling
calendar
show examples
 year 2003 was 10%.
This
 went up slightly in 2006 by 2%.
Thereafter
,it was consistent in 2013.
To sum up
,a large portion of
people
 in 2003 and 2006 ate unhealthy
food
 only a single time in a
week
.
Whereas
, in 2013, more than
one third
Add a hyphen
one-third
show examples
 of
people
choose
Wrong verb form
chose
show examples
 to eat junk
food
 a single or couple of
times
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a year.
Submitted by nidhi.neil on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction
Introduce your essay with a clear overview of the topic. Your introduction should briefly mention what the essay will discuss without going into details.
Task Achievement
Ensure you understand the question fully. The essay response provided does not match the topic about advantages and disadvantages of holding personal information by large internet companies. It focuses on the consumption of junk food in the USA, which is not relevant to the given question.
Conclusion
Provide clear conclusions that summarize the key points of your essay. A conclusion helps solidify your argument and gives the essay a complete feel.
Coherence & Cohesion
Organize your essay into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a separate idea or point. Use transition words to help the reader understand how your ideas connect.
Task Achievement
Ensure accuracy in data presentation and make sure your essay addresses the topic provided accurately. Double-check the relevance of your content.
Coherence & Cohesion
Watch for typographical errors and correct them for clarity and professionalism. Also, ensure the mathematical accuracy in percentages and time references (e.g., '23006%').

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: