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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think parents should supervise their children’s activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In
this
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 era, many people believe
parents
Use synonyms
 should supervise every activity of their
children
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,
however
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, some do not have the same opinion. The writer of
this
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 essay does think that
parents
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 should not
control
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 their
children
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 as they need to be independent and have their own freedom. It can be observed that people believe when
parents
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control
Use synonyms
 their
children
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’s activities, they may become more disciplined. To explain
further
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, nowadays, there are many temptations
such
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 as the internet, games, social media,... all of them may make the
children
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 have bad habits and easily get worse.
Moreover
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, in school, there are some individual students, and when the
children
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 make friends with them, may copy their bad
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
For example
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, on TikTok, if the
parents
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 do not supervise the content they watch
on
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apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, they can access many videos about violence, bad ideology, or even limit-age
contents
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content
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, which may make the
children
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 change their minds and have an extravagant attitude.
However
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, the more strictly
parents
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control
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 their offspring, the more timid they become. It can be said that, when
parents
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 always force their
children
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 to do what they want and forbid things they consider dangerous, their
children
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 will live in a safe zone and never have to deal with any struggles in life, and
then
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 when they grow up, they will do not have the experience and the hardihood to explore and upgrade themselves.
For instance
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, when offspring grow up and go to the company, they will cooperate with many others, if they just tread water in the job, they will not have any opportunities for promotion and there will never be a new step forward in their career. From the writer’s perspective, I disagree with
parents
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’ managing each of their
children
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's actions as they have to have freedom and when they live under the parent’s
control
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, they will have distance from the social.
That is
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 to say, when they are supervised closely, they will feel separated from those around them and have low self-esteem about their own situation or society will keep them off because they do not want to get in trouble with their
parents
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. In conclusion,
although
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 managing the offspring’s activities may prevent them from temptation, it will make the
children
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 cowardly and can not grow up themselves.

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task achievement
Make sure your essay has a clear introduction, at least two body paragraphs discussing each view, and a concise conclusion summarizing your opinion. You've done well in providing an introduction and conclusion, but ensure your opinion is stated clearly in the introduction for a stronger stance.
coherence cohesion
Consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay. Although you've structured your essay logically, more sophisticated connectors could enhance cohesion between ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
While your essay discusses both views effectively, including more specific examples to support your points could strengthen your argument. This also aids in making your ideas clearer and more compelling to the reader.
task achievement
It's important to maintain objectivity and disclose your opinion more biographically, especially in the concluding paragraph. Your conclusion should unequivocally state your stance and succinctly summarise the reasons behind your opinion, drawing from the discussion in the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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