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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some cultures, Children are encouraged to compete against each other. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this approach?

#cultures #children #approach
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Now a days
Correct the word
Nowadays
show examples
,
competition
 is
important
Add an article
an important
show examples
 part of life. As we see world is full of
competition
. Every field whether it is study, work and games all have
competition
. In
this
 essay, we will discuss some advances and disadvantages of encouraging
children
 to compete with each other.
Firstly
, we will discuss some benefits
as
Correct word choice
apply
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if toddlers compete with each other
then
 they become
more strong
Correct word choice
stronger
show examples
 to face more competitive challenges in future which builds their confidence and
also
 they can
improve
Wrong verb form
improves
show examples
 their skills. By doing
this
, they will know their weak points and start working on them in their life as early as possible. They can
also
 become
scholar
Add an article
a scholar
show examples
 in studies, games and competitive exams in childhood which helps in their bright career in future. As we know
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
all things have two sides. There are some disadvantages of teaching scholars to compete with others as
this
 will create violent behaviour in them and they become selfish.
This
 will
also
helps
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help
show examples
 in creating higher stress
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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 in toddlers
in
Change preposition
at
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 a very
younger
Correct word choice
young
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 age.
This
 will
also
 affect their
overall
 development and performance in
negative
Change the article
a negative
show examples
 way. If they
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
stress
Replace the word
stressed
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 to always do
best
Correct pronoun usage
their best
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 in every field, they will not be able to perform even a single task better.
This
 will
also
 destroy
destroy
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
their relationships with other
children
 if they
are always see
Change the verb form
always see
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 them as
a competitors
Correct the article-noun agreement
competitors
a competitor
show examples
. We know that human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
 are social
animal
Fix the agreement mistake
animals
show examples
. They cannot live without a group of people. If in
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early age, we teach
children
 to compete with them and be first in every field
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. If affects negatively. These things destroy relationships and
also
 mental health of
children
. In future, they will not get any success in their life. As we know disadvantages outweigh the advances. So, encouraging
children
 towards
competition
 with their fellow beings is not a good thing.
Submitted by Kamaljeetkaur6968 on

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coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas more effectively. Structure your paragraphs so that there’s a clear distinction between the advantages and disadvantages. Use topic sentences to introduce the main idea of each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Clarify your introduction and conclusion. Your introduction should more clearly introduce the topic and your stance on it, while your conclusion should summarize the points made and restate your overall opinion.
task achievement
Support your main points with more specific examples. While you've identified advantages and disadvantages, providing more detailed examples will strengthen your arguments and make your essay more engaging.
general language improvement
Work on your grammar and vocabulary. There are several grammatical errors and awkward phrases throughout your essay. Improving your language skills will help you communicate your ideas more clearly and effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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