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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that the main factor influencing a child’s development these days are things such as tv, friends and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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There is a topic to be discussed by many
people
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that is
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 what mainly influences a
child
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's growth, social
media
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 and
friends
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, or family. I think the former is a more important factor because they are full of
people
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's lives and both
influence
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 a
child
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 and his family. Social
media
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 is full of
people
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's living environment. It is everywhere in
people
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's daily life and
people
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 cannot get away from it. Everyone can come across advertisements through television, radio or mobile phones, which could stimulate
people
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's desire for consumption and even deliver a new consuming view to a
child
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.
Similarly
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, a
child
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's
friends
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 can
also
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 affect a
child
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's view
such
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 as what the popular music now, who is the internet celebrity, and what types of dress or making up way are more fashionable etc. Those factors
influence
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 a
child
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 every day and he/she would follow them automatically.
However
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, some individuals might argue that the family is still the most important factor in influencing
influence
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 a kid.
This
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 is because the
child
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 is starting to imitate
parents
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 when he/her was born. A lot of behaviour of a person would be like his/her
parents
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. I agree with that.
Nevertheless
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, as I mentioned earlier, the environment can
influence
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 everyone, which means not only children
child
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 but
also
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 adults including children's
parents
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. Many
parents
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' views and behaviour could
also
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 be changed by social
media
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 and their
friends
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, and
further
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influence
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 their children's development.
To conclude
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, I believe that
although
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 the family is an important factor in influencing
influence
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 the development of a
child
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, it does not mean that it is more important than social
media
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 and
friends
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, because the latter could both
influence
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 a
child
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 and adults of a family and promote their change.

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Structure and Clarity
Ensure that your essay has a clear structure: introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each body paragraph should focus on one main idea, supported by examples or explanations.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices (e.g., 'furthermore,' 'however,' 'on the other hand') to connect ideas within and across paragraphs effectively. However, avoid overuse or misuse.
Task Response
Expand your task response by providing more detailed examples and explaining how they specifically relate to the topic. Both views should be discussed equally, and your opinion should be clear throughout the essay.
Grammar and Accuracy
Pay attention to grammar and spelling to ensure clarity and accuracy. Review basic sentence structures and punctuation rules.
Vocabulary Range and Accuracy
Use varied vocabulary to express ideas more precisely and avoid repetitions. Consult a thesaurus and read widely to build vocabulary.
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