The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. Schools should cut arts and music out of that curriculum so that children can focus on the useful subjects such as information technology. To what extent do you agree?

Education has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
played a great role throughout the whole
Change preposition
of mankind
show examples
mankind
Change noun form
mankind's
show examples
existence. Nowadays its essence is becoming even more significant
due to
the prevalence of the new technology. I completely disagree with the statement that schools ought to eliminate arts and music from the school curriculum.
Firstly
, nowadays
chilldren
Correct your spelling
children
come
Wrong verb form
have become
show examples
very smart and they already know a lot about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information technology. I dare to say that these days most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
use the Internet better than adults. They tend to spend most of their time on social media daily keeping in touch and sharing news with each other via messengers like WhatsApp or Facebook.
Moreover
,
such
platforms as
Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
or TikTok, which provide huge
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
of information, are very popular among the young generation. If schools encourage school
children
to use
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social media more, it may have negative consequences
such
as addiction.
Secondly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
subjects
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
Arts and Music are essential for the development of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
as they help
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
be versatile and allow them
be
Add the particle
to be
show examples
more active and creative. Music has
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
enormous power
of making
Change preposition
to make
show examples
people relaxed and calm. As for the Art lessons, they help
children
use their imagination and
creat
Correct your spelling
create
show examples
new works with the help of them
children
feel satisfied and happy. In conclusion, I would say that schools should engage
children
to focus on various subjects equally to find out the
preference
Fix the agreement mistake
preferences
show examples
of the
children
and help them to be satisfied individuals in the future.
Submitted by ali_naz on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Focus on developing a clear thesis statement early in your essay to guide your argument. This will help in making your stance clear from the beginning and strengthen the task response.
Task Achievement
To improve clarity and comprehensiveness, ensure to expand on your ideas with more detailed examples and explanations. This will also enhance the relevancy and specificity of your supporting examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on organizing your essay more logically by ensuring each paragraph clearly supports your main argument. Use cohesive devices effectively to link ideas within and between paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Avoid general statements and ensure to provide specific examples to support your points. This will make your argument more convincing and grounded.
General
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and avoid minor errors to increase the professional appeal of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • contentious
  • contemporary
  • correlation
  • foster
  • emotional intelligence
  • narrow students’ perspectives
  • critically
  • creatively
  • interdisciplinary
  • introspective
  • integration
  • debate
  • curriculum
What to do next:
Look at other essays: