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Band 4.5

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#countries #children #work #people #responsibility
Around the world significant amount of minors start to work
wery
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very
 early on.
This
 topic became controversial, as some disregard any type of child labour
while
 others argue that
Correct article usage
the involvment
show examples
involvment
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involvement
 of children in
spesific
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specific
 jobs could be very beneficial
fo
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for
show examples
 them. I personally lean towards the second position.
This
 essay will focus on
adressing
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addressing
this
 issue. On the one hand, supporters of
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 right to be part of
workforce
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the workforce
show examples
 argue that
,
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apply
show examples
 it is beneficial for teenagers to start earning their
money
 even before they turn 18. Emploement or
small comers
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smallcomers
 can
provied
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provide
 them with pocket
money
while
also
, giving them life
expiriense
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expenses
 and a sense of value in
money
. As an
exapmle
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example
,
famous
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the famous
show examples
 American tradition of selling lemonade,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is
easy
Add an article
an easy
show examples
 job even for
minor
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minors
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, that
also
,
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apply
show examples
 teaches
him
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them
show examples
 responsibility and
basics
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the basics
show examples
 of business strategy
futhermore
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furthermore
, it
providies
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provides
 an
sourse
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source
 of income, that children can spend on whatever they want.
On the other hand
, there
are
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is
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
significant opposition to that argument. People with
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opposing
oppousing
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opposing
view
Fix the agreement mistake
views
show examples
 on
this
 issue argue that there are no benefits
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 child labour,
also
, it is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 minors. As an argument,
school aged
Add a hyphen
school-aged
show examples
 boys and girls shall spend more time and effort on education and themselves. It is harmful for
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
show examples
 to spend a lot of time on work, as it would generally lower their interest in education and can hurt their social connections, like, sports,
hobbys
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hobbies
,
friends
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and friends
show examples
. Another good point is that
enabaling
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enabling
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the emploement
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emploement
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employment
 of minors is a way of child exploitation, as
an
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apply
show examples
example,
companys
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companies
 like
,
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apply
show examples
macdonalds
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Macdonalds
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 and
starbacks
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Starbucks
star backs
 pay less to their underaged
empoes
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employees
,
thus
 exploiting them. In conclusion, I will summarize that I
tent
Correct your spelling
tend
show examples
 to support
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the empoement
show examples
empoement
Correct your spelling
empowerment
employment
 of teenagers in
workforse
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workforce
. As I
belive
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believe
show examples
 there are more pluses
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 minuses. I see
Correct article usage
the opportyniti
show examples
opportyniti
Correct your spelling
opportunity
opportunities
 to earn yourself
money
 as a
presues
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press
 one,
especialy
Correct your spelling
especially
 when parents cannot or don’t want to satisfy your demands.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow of ideas. The arguments presented in the essay sometimes appear disjointed, making it harder for the reader to follow your line of reasoning. Consider using more transitional phrases and ensure each paragraph clearly connects to your overall argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure the introduction and conclusion are both present and fully developed. While your essay does include these elements, further refining them to clearly state your thesis and summarize your arguments could enhance their impact.
Coherence & Cohesion
Enhance the support for your main points by including more detailed examples and explanations. While you do provide examples, deeper analysis and more context could strengthen your arguments and make them more persuasive.
Task Achievement
Ensure your response thoroughly addresses all aspects of the task. Your essay does take a stance and explores both viewpoints, but more detailed exploration and a clearer, stronger personal opinion could improve your task achievement score.
Task Achievement
Strive for clarity and depth in your ideas. Some parts of the essay could benefit from more precise explanations and specific details to fully convey your arguments and support your opinion. This will help in making your essay more comprehensive and persuasive.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. The examples you use are good, but adding more, particularly with real-world data or studies, could provide stronger evidence for your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Child labor
  • Exploitation
  • Minimum age
  • Work experience
  • Survival
  • Taking responsibility
  • Education
  • Poverty
  • Legal restrictions
  • Physical toll
  • Psychological impact
  • Cultural perceptions
  • International conventions
  • Economic impact
  • Work-study programs
  • Skilled labor
  • Unskilled labor
  • Developing economies
  • Moral implications
  • Professional development
What to do next:
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