IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food.government should improse high tax rate agree or disagree

#countries #people #health #food #government #improse #tax #rate
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No doubt, In some nations
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 number of
citizens
Use synonyms
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 fast
food
Use synonyms
 in their diet,
therefore
Linking Words
 they
also
Linking Words
 deal with many
health
Use synonyms
 issues as well. I completely agree, if authorities increase
taxes
Use synonyms
 on the kind of
food
Use synonyms
 it saves their
people
Use synonyms
 from
health
Use synonyms
 problems
such
Linking Words
 as obesity and leads the
people
Use synonyms
 towards healthy
food
Use synonyms
 items.
Initially
Linking Words
,
taxes
Use synonyms
 increase on
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 products would save many individuals from basic
health
Use synonyms
-related problems
such
Linking Words
 as obesity, diabetes and heart attacks.
Such
Linking Words
 problems, increase the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
burden on
Use synonyms
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 care sector and
also
Linking Words
 put the countries a
a
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
few years back, as
people
Use synonyms
 are suffering from
health
Use synonyms
 issues and
therefore
Linking Words
 do not do well for themselves and their country. In one of
surveys
Add an article
the surveys
show examples
, it is reported that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 western countries deal with a high number of obese
patients’
Change noun form
patients
show examples
 reason is presence of
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 and soda drinks in their routine diet
therefore
Linking Words
,
demand
Correct article usage
the demand
show examples
immigrants
Change preposition
for immigrants
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
has arisen for
Correct article usage
the continue
show examples
continue
Wrong verb form
continued
show examples
 growth of
such
Linking Words
 countries.
Secondly
Linking Words
, decreasing the trend of fast
food
Use synonyms
 through
taxes
Use synonyms
 not only helps to improve
health
Use synonyms
 issues but
also
Linking Words
 inclines
people
Use synonyms
 toward good
food
Use synonyms
 habits. Especially in developing nations,
citizens
Use synonyms
 love to bargain prices on
food
Use synonyms
 items if they get healthy
food
Use synonyms
 at a cheaper price compared to high-cost
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 they will prefer to buy only those
food
Use synonyms
 products which are available at a lower price.
This
Linking Words
 is how the government turns them to buy
food
Use synonyms
 which is good for their
health
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, In Japan, the average age of
citizens
Use synonyms
 is comparatively higher than in other nations the factor is they are like to eat their traditional
food
Use synonyms
 which cost effective and
also
Linking Words
, they feel very healthy. In conclusion, I believe increment in
Use synonyms
taxes
Fix the agreement mistake
tax
show examples
 provision on
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 items by the government not only helps to keep their
citizens
Use synonyms
 fit but
also
Linking Words
 changes their habits towards having healthy and safe
food
Use synonyms
 throughout their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Submitted by gsgaganmann on

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Task Achievement
Ensure that every paragraph has a clear main idea and several supporting sentences that are directly related to the main idea. Try to develop your points further with more specific examples or explanations.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your essay follows a logical structure, there's room for improvement in linking ideas more smoothly between sentences. Consider using a variety of transition words and phrases to help guide the reader through your arguments more clearly.
Task Achievement
To better illustrate your points, incorporate more specific examples and data. This could include statistics, studies, or real-world scenarios that directly support your argument. Specific examples add credibility and depth to your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • deterrent
  • epidemic
  • rationale
  • imposition
  • affordability
  • convenience
  • socioeconomic disparities
  • nutritious
  • public health initiatives
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • heart conditions
  • reinvestment
  • governmental intervention
  • intrusive
  • certification programs
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