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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that going to a fitness centers regularly is unnecessary. Instead they believe the combining occasional exercise (such as going for walk) with a balanced diet is enough to stay healthy. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#people #fitness #centers #exercise #diet
The
necessities
Fix the agreement mistake
necessity
show examples
 of working out is readily apparent to people.
Due to
 diverse ways of exercising, the manner of doing is
point
Add an article
the point
a point
show examples
 of contention. Despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
increasing the number of gyms,
non-necessity
Correct your spelling
the necessity
show examples
 of going to
sport center
Fix the agreement mistake
sports centers
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 is advocated for being healthy. By considering all
opposite
Correct article usage
the opposite
show examples
 aspects of
gym
Correct article usage
the gym
show examples
,
this
 essay discusses my proponent of its benefits. In terms of
importance
Add an article
the importance
show examples
 of diet, is that it plays a vital factor in decreasing mortality. The rate of heart attack and blood pressure has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
skyrocketed, and doctors highly
recommends
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recommend
show examples
 assigning a reasonable proportion of time to
exercising
Change the verb form
exercise
show examples
 and dieting.
In addition
, in order to encourage everybody, the government
establish
Wrong verb form
established
show examples
 some
sport
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sports
show examples
facilities
 and pathways in
park
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the park
show examples
. In spite of free
facilities
, the careless usage damages them, and
also
, they are not standardized for
every body
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everybody
show examples
.
For instance
, some
sport
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sports
show examples
facilities
, which
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 iron, have been set up by Tehran mayor, but they are too cold to utilize them, so these can hurt a body and jeopardize health.
On the other hand
, as it was mentioned before, there are
plethora
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a plethora
show examples
 of gyms and coaches, which can ameliorate
bodies
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body
show examples
 health. They can
equip
Wrong verb form
be equipped
show examples
 with standard equipment and provide a fitness plan. The ways of its improvements are not just based on
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
, it would inculcate working out into individuals. To put it differently, because of paying
fee
Fix the agreement mistake
fees
show examples
, everyone feels obligated to do it regularly.
Moreover
, it has been assessed that working out socially would be more beneficial than individually.
For example
, studying at home and
library
Correct article usage
the library
show examples
 are two possible ways,
however
,
library
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the library
a library
show examples
 can incentivize students to study efficiently.
To sum up
, the significant point of
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 body is cognization of the way of doing it. In
this
 era, there are lots of manners to avoid
multitude
Add an article
a multitude
the multitude
show examples
 of
disease
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diseases
show examples
.
Sport
Change the noun form
Sports
show examples
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 have been established to meet their needs in
this
 aspect.
Due to
 many pros of gyms,
such
 as incentivizing, obligation, and standard
facilities
,
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 could prioritize it as a manner of fitness.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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Task Achievement
To strengthen your essay, ensure that your introduction clearly outlines your main argument or stance on the issue. This sets a solid foundation for the reader.
Task Achievement
It's important to directly address the prompt. Consider both perspectives (the necessity of gyms vs. the effectiveness of occasional exercise and diet) more distinctly, stating your position clearly.
Task Achievement
Your essay could benefit from more specific examples to support your points. Think about including personal anecdotes, statistics, or studies that solidify your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organize your essay into clear paragraphs, each dedicated to a specific point. This enhances readability and helps the reader follow your argument more easily.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This will improve the flow of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your conclusion sums up your argument and reiterates your stance concisely. This gives a strong finish to your essay.

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