IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think it would be better if the whole family (uncles, aunts, and grandparents) were involved in bringing up children rather than only parents. What is your opinion?

#people #uncles #aunts #grandparents #children #parents
some people hold the view that was close relative to participate in raising
children
, it would be beneficial
instead
 of only mothers and fathers. In my opinion,
due to
 people's differences in terms of giving the amount of
love
 to the child
as well as
 the diversity of behaviour, I tend to disagree with
this
 approach. The most axiomatic argument about the participation of the whole family in bringing up
children
 is that
children
 become involved in multiple personalities. Simply put, the type of behaviour differs from person to person,
that is
 to say, individuals
such
 as grandparents, and uncles, who have various beliefs and approaches, have a significant effect on the
children
's behaviour. In effect, conflicting ways with
parents
 can cause
children
 to not acquire the necessary skills for their growth when faced with different thoughts, morals and tastes imposed on them. Another compelling support for
this
 approach is that the amount of
love
 and affection that individuals can give each other differs. To elaborate on
this
,
although
 close relatives try to take care of
children
 as much as possible, they cannot look after
children
 like their own
parents
. In fact, it is
children
 who have value for mothers and fathers trying to form a close family and heal the wounds of their
children
.
Therefore
, as
children
 notice that their
parents
 are absent and they do not spend sufficient time with them, they envision that their
parents
 do not
love
 them. Thereby,
this
 lack of
love
 will reduce
children
's self-reliance and independence and make them feel worthless to their family members. Raising a child by relatives and not only
parents
 can have negative consequences, including a decrease in self-esteem and independence,
as well as
 multiple personalities. Relying on the mentioned justifications, I reaffirm my stand.
Submitted by hongminh317 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Structure
Please ensure that your essay includes a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each section should have a distinct purpose, with the introduction setting the context and stating your opinion, the body paragraphs expanding on your reasons, and the conclusion summarising your points.
Linking words
Use a range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more effectively within and across paragraphs. This will significantly enhance the readability and coherence of your essay.
Task response
Be sure to directly answer the question posed in the task. Clearly state your opinion in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion to ensure your position on the issue is well-defined and consistent throughout the essay.
Language Use
Incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate your English proficiency. While maintaining accuracy, try to avoid overly simple or repetitive sentences and words.
Supporting examples
Include specific examples to support your main points. These examples should be detailed and relevant to the argument you're making, as they greatly strengthen your essay and make your arguments more persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!