IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that global environment problems shold be dralt with internationally. Others, however, believe that they have to be tackled domestically. What is your opinion?

#people #environment #shold #dralt
Illnesses are a big problem of humanity and some
people
 think that it is more important to spend money on promoting a healthy
lifestyle
 than funding the treatment for
people
 who are already ill. In the essay, I want to write what I agree with and what I disagree with. The first
reason
 why I agree is that a healthy
lifestyle
 can prevent illnesses and we should promote it among the young generation because we should take care of our health from a young age. The second
reason
 why I agree is that healthy
people
 are much happier
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because sport helps them to relax and throw out all negative from
our
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
.
Food
 is the main part of a healthy
lifestyle
 because you are what you eat.If you eat
a healthy
Remove the article
healthy food
a portion of healthy food
show examples
food
,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
example,
show examples
 salads, fruits, vegetables,
soups
Correct word choice
and soups
show examples
then
 you will be healthy, but if you eat junk
food
, fizzy drinks,
a
Correct word choice
and a
show examples
lot of meat and sugar
then
 you will be fat and sick. The first
reason
 why I disagree is that
people
 all over the world are suffering from different illnesses now and we should not forget about them. They need treatment and care and if we start to spend money to promote a healthy
lifestyle
 they will get less medicine. The second
reason
 why I disagree is that a lot of
people
 do not want to eat healthy
food
 and do sport. they will drink alcohol and eat junk
food
 and it does not matter how much money you will spend. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 I would like to say that we should take care of
people
 who have problems with health
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because we are humans and we should help each other.
Submitted by dulskywork on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Introduce your essay with a clear thesis statement that directly addresses the prompt. This helps in laying a solid foundation for your arguments.
Task Achievement
Develop each paragraph with a single main idea, supported by specific examples and explanations. Your paragraphs should relate back to the question and your overall opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure logical sequencing of ideas and use cohesive devices (e.g., conjunctions, pronouns, transition words) to link sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance the flow and clarity of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Conclude your essay by summarizing your main points and restating your opinion in light of the arguments presented. Make sure your conclusion is clearly linked to the introduction.
Task Achievement
While conflicting viewpoints are presented, strive for more balanced development by providing equal elaboration and specific examples for both sides of the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: