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Band 5.5

Many believe that modern technology has brought people together, but others say that it has driven us apart. Discuss both views and discuss your opinion.

#technology #people
Some argue that technological advancement has increased the bond of
people
,
while
 some argue that it created a gap between family and friends.
While
 the reason for
this
 gap is because it made
people
 busy, I believe that it has connected
people
 more than ever. On the one hand, some argue that modern gadgets
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 phones,
laptop
Fix the agreement mistake
laptops
show examples
, and tablets,
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
drove
Change the verb form
driven
show examples
people
 apart. Because of
these
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
,
people
 became busy and it has created distance among loved ones.
This
 has made them preoccupied and
instead
 of talking to each other, they are busy browsing the internet and updating their social media.
For example
, when kids have tantrums, most parents are just turning on the television because they are too busy with their screen to deal with them.
Thus
, I believe that the bonding time of families now
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 lesser compared to the previous generation.
On the other hand
, because of the advancements in technology, connecting with others
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 easier.
People
 can now talk to each other in just one click regardless of their location in the world.
This
 is especially beneficial to
people
 who have family overseas and it helps decrease the feeling of loneliness and homesickness.
For instance
, a significant number of Filipinos are working abroad, but because of
videocalling
Correct your spelling
video calling
, families are able to talk and update each other in real-time. Unlike before
where in
Correct your spelling
wherein
show examples
 they have to wait for months to receive a letter from their loved ones.
Thus
, the invention of new technologies has made it possible for families to have memories together even
they
Correct word choice
if they
show examples
 are miles apart. In conclusion,
while
 some believe that new innovations have created a gap between individuals, I believe that it brought
people
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
closer together.
Submitted by yoko.onerom on

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Introduction clarity
Ensure a clear introduction of your main points in your introductory paragraph. Your thesis statement was present, but it could be more explicitly stated, showing how you will discuss both sides and where your opinion lies.
Topic sentences
Include topic sentences at the beginning of your paragraphs to guide the reader through your argument. This helps in structuring your essay more logically and making your stance clear from the outset.
Language variation
Consider a more varied sentence structure and vocabulary to enhance readability and interest. While your essay is coherent, diversifying your language use can make it more engaging.
Linking words
Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This improves the flow of your essay and helps in maintaining a logical structure throughout.
Example development
While you provided examples, ensure that you develop these with further explanation or insight to strengthen your argument. This will make your essay more persuasive and comprehensive.
Proofreading
Proofread your essay to correct minor grammatical errors and enhance precision in language use. Attention to detail can significantly improve the overall quality of your writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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