IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Topic: Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#topic #people #media #coverage #celebrities #effect #children
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It is true that in our contemporary era, celebrities receive too much attention from the
media
.
For
this
 reason, some
people
 argue that these phenomena
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 a detrimental impact on offspring ,
while
 others believe that
It
Correct pronoun usage
They
show examples
 can be beneficial in many cases . In
this
 essay , I will explicate both stances before presenting my consensus on the latter view. On the one hand, in some circumstances , It can adversely affect
children
. Since , adolescents tend to compete with each other , especially when It comes to football players.
For instance
 , It can be seen everywhere how
children
 are debating who is better Ronaldo or Messi and causing rivalries among them.
Nevertheless
, the public in many situations tries to encourage them to be a community by illustrating how famous
people
 respect each other.
This
 factor can be valuable as it transforms them into a more friendly society.
On the other hand
 , the
media
 coverage of icons has some benefits. Young
people
 can gain some motivation and inspiration by observing high-profile individual's accomplishments.
For instance
 , the
media
 mostly shows how celebrities achieve their goals in the face of pressure from others.
Such
 kind of news generally triggers inspiration and a desire to work hard on themselves. A good example of
this
 is a Japanese youngster who was motivated by Cristiano Ronaldo when everyone was humiliating him . After 4 years,
this
 player has become one of the best in Japan and
furthermore
 , now he plays a pivotal role in his team. Despite all these advantages , sometimes, the
media
 shows inappropriate things about famous
people
 .
For example
 , the public recently showed Dani Alves who was accused of vandalism. It can
therefore
 be concluded that
media
 coverage of stars can have positive and negative influence on young
children
 simultaneously.
However
 , I vehemently disagree that It has a more adverse effect on
children
 as the
media
tend
Correct subject-verb agreement
tends
show examples
 to publish things which inspire our young generation.
Submitted by ruznadir on

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task response
Focus on developing a clear thesis statement that directly addresses the question. Make sure your introduction clearly indicates whether you agree or disagree with the statement.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance your argument structure by dedicating each paragraph to a distinct point of view. Consider using clearer topic sentences and more explicit transitions between ideas for improved clarity.
task response
For a higher band, work on expanding and thoroughly explaining your examples. Make sure each argument or example directly supports your main point and is fully explored.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to punctuation and grammar to ensure your essay flows well and is easily understood. Simple errors can detract from the overall quality of your essay.
task response
Deepen your analysis of the negative and positive impacts, specifically relating to the prompt's focus on children. The more relevant and detailed your examination, the stronger your essay will be.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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