IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Children should stay at school before 18. Agree or Disagree?

#children #school
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Children
Use synonyms
 should remain in
school
Use synonyms
 until they are 18 years old. I firmly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement and believe that a formal
education
Use synonyms
 is crucial for a child's cognitive development, and extending it to 18 ensures an all-round development,
furthermore
Linking Words
, staying in
school
Use synonyms
 until 18 protects them from societal pressure and harmful influences. A formal
education
Use synonyms
 ensures a child is apt at taking problems
head on
Add a hyphen
head-on
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when presented in the real
world
Use synonyms
,
also
Linking Words
, basic mathematics, science, and social science are used by people every day in the real
world
Use synonyms
. These
formatives
Change the noun form
formative
show examples
 years of a child are crucial for distilling those necessary skills. At the same time, remaining in
school
Use synonyms
 till 18 ensure that the foundation built upon during the previous years is carried forward and better prepares them for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
higher
education
Use synonyms
 or the job market.
For example
Linking Words
, a study conducted by
Department
Correct article usage
the Department
show examples
 of
Education
Use synonyms
 in the USA
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 found
out
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that students who passed out of high
school
Use synonyms
 were highly likely to have better future prospects than those who dropped out.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
school
Use synonyms
 is not only a safe haven for learning
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 a place where
children
Use synonyms
 are safe from the outside hellish
world
Use synonyms
. Many teenagers who have dropped out of schooling, have turned towards harmful influences like drugs and alcohol,
furthermore
Linking Words
, the pressure that students face either from their parents or teachers after dropping out of
schooling
Replace the word
school
show examples
 is unfathomable.
For instance
Linking Words
, we talk about the successful dropouts who have built
billion dollar
Add a hyphen
billion-dollar
show examples
 companies, but
children
Use synonyms
 who have dropped out of schooling,
according to
Linking Words
 a study conducted by
Department
Correct article usage
the Department
show examples
 of
Education
Use synonyms
, turn toward illegal activities namely: prostitution, gambling, and selling illicit drugs, they
also
Linking Words
 make up one-third of the global smokers,
according to
Linking Words
 another study conducted by
World
Use synonyms
 Health Organization. In conclusion, remaining in
school
Use synonyms
 till 18 helps
children
Use synonyms
 steer clear of negative influences, and,
also
Linking Words
 massively helps them in attaining success with
further
Linking Words
 opportunities in higher
education
Use synonyms
 or the job market.
Submitted by duttpavan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Try to develop a clear thesis statement in your introduction to give a strong guidance for your essay. Your stance should be immediately clear to the reader.
task response
While your main points are relevant, aim to further elaborate on them with more detailed examples and explanations to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure your essay is logically structured by clearly separating your ideas into distinct paragraphs, each with a single main idea. Use topic sentences to introduce your main points.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance the connectivity between your ideas using more diverse and effective transitional phrases. This will help in making the progression of your argument smoother and clearer.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • comprehensive
  • safer environment
  • societal pressures
  • higher education
  • competitive
  • socioeconomic background
  • vocational training
  • mandatory
  • burnout
  • learning experience
What to do next:
Look at other essays: