IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people spend less time in their homes. What do you think are the reasons? what effects does it have on individuals and the society?

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From the initial days of creation,
home
Add an article
the home
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 has always played an important role in people's lives. Nowadays, as individuals get
further
Linking Words
 from their
families
Use synonyms
 and their residence, several problems can arise which I'm going to explain
them
Change preposition
to them
show examples
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, financial problems are the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
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 forcing society away from their residences. Technology progresses every day and the community has new issues to deal with. So, they need more money
meet
Fix the infinitive
to meet
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 the needs of their
families
Use synonyms
 with their education or work which requires more
working
Replace the word
work
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 and less time of being at home.
For example
Linking Words
, when I was 12, I just
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
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 a hundred dollars for my sixth grade but nowadays, students spend thousands of dollars to purchase laptops and other smart devices for education. Spending less time with family can affect the society both physically and mentally. The most
destruction
Replace the word
destructive
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 impact of
this
Linking Words
 issue is
collapse
Add an article
the collapse
a collapse
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 of
families
Use synonyms
. When fellas meet their
families
Use synonyms
 less than before, in the long term, they care about them less which deteriorates the relationship.
Hence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 can cause mental diseases like depression which is related to physical illnesses as well.
Linking Words
At
Change the preposition
In
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 the end,
this
Linking Words
 problem can lead to divorce
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 affects the whole life of younger members of the community.
For example
Linking Words
,
divorce
Add an article
the divorce
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 rate has increased by 35 per cent in 2023 globally compared to
last
Linking Words
 year.
To conclude
Linking Words
, being away from home has a lot of destructive influences on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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most of
them
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 are still obscure. But the only thing
that is
Linking Words
 clear
that
Add a missing verb
is that
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 all of those are bad.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider organizing your essay more logically. Start with an introduction that clearly states your main points, then develop each point in its own paragraph. Use linking words to create smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas.
task achievement
For task achievement, ensure you directly address all parts of the prompt. The prompt asks for reasons people spend less time at home and the effects this has on individuals and society. Make sure to clearly outline both aspects and provide detailed explanations and examples for each.
task achievement
Using more specific examples can strengthen your arguments. While general statements have their place, detailed examples help illustrate your points more vividly and make your essay more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Consider expanding your introduction and conclusion for a stronger opening and closing. Both sections should succinctly summarize your main points and overall stance on the topic.
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