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Band 5

Some people think that job satisfaction is more important than job security. Others think that people cannot expect to enjoy a job and having a permanent job is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #job #satisfaction #security
The
satisfaction
 of occupation is more crucial than occupation security for several individuals,
while
 others argue that permanent work is more essential because people cannot look forward to enjoying the
job
. In my opinion, I believe that
job
satisfaction
 is important because it makes the employee more productive and
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 good performance of their task,
while
permanent
Add an article
the permanent
a permanent
show examples
job
 is substantial for financial stability. There are two contrasting views
will
Correct pronoun usage
that will
show examples
discuss
Wrong verb form
be discussed
show examples
 in
this
 essay. On the one side, many people decide to choose
satisfaction
Correct article usage
the satisfaction
show examples
 of their
job
 rather than the
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
salary that they get in the
job
. Nowadays, individuals are inclined to look for a flexible
job
 to get
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
 in their
job
 because a freelancer has a work-life balance.
Employee
Fix the agreement mistake
Employees
show examples
 who have a work-life balance
more
Add a missing verb
are more
show examples
 productive and have good performance.
For instance
, a freelancer who
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 many
task
Change to a plural noun
tasks
show examples
 in their
job
 more easily to organize their work to increase their productivity. On the other side,
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
viewed
Wrong verb form
view
show examples
job
 security as more important because it can provide a regular income. An office worker would not be afraid of having a decreased salary as they tend to have a
fixed-income
Correct your spelling
fixed income
show examples
 from their office. Ultimately, they are guaranteed by money allowances
such
 as health insurance. Evidence in Indonesia demonstrates that permanent employees will get a money allowance after retirement. It is
also
 widely agreed that a permanent
job
 can give a clearer career path. A hard worker can improve their level, starting from staff to higher level management. In conclusion,
job
 security can provide a stable income and long-term money guarantees.
However
, I believe that
job
satisfaction
 would still be more important as a work-life balance to increase mental health and well-being. The
satisfaction
-seekers could have financial opportunities like permanent workers if they keep
their
Change preposition
up their
show examples
 hard work.
Submitted by writingieltsband9 on

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Task Achievement
To enhance task response, ensure to directly address the question prompt from the beginning. Make your thesis statement clear and present it in your introduction. Also, ensure that your essay consistently maintains focus on the prompt throughout.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence, strive for better logical flow between ideas and paragraphs. Use a variety of linking words and phrases to help guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
Coherence and Cohesion
To strengthen cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea which is then developed with specific examples or explanations. This will make your main points more compelling and easier to follow.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. This will help to substantiate your claims and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic, enhancing your task achievement score.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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